Negative Pregnancy Tests and cute babies

9 Aug

I admit I was hoping that this month was the month it was going to happen.  I even delayed starting a blog because I thought I might finally be back on track.  This month I went in for the day 14 ultrasound after my doctor prescribed Letrozole and I felt like I saw something good for the first time.  I was about to ovulate!  My body was doing the right thing at the right time and my doctor was very positive that it looked healthy!  What a relief to feel normal!  We had timed intercourse and I thought finally it was going to work THIS TIME!  But yesterday all my optimism came crashing down.  I took a home test on day 14 (which seems insane to me since my body has been super late on everything up until now, so I can’t even imagine getting a positive test 14 days after trying to conceive).  Apparently some people do, so that must be why she said to do it.    Ideally I would like to just wait until I don’t get my period and even then wait a good month after that before taking any tests or talking to any doctors.    But with taking progesterone, your body has symptoms of pregnancy whether you are pregnant or not, including missing your period!  Joy!  So I have been a feeling weird crampy pains constantly, totally cranky and irritable, sleepy and nauseous.  Ok, I’ll say it.  I hate progesterone.  It’s making me a feel terrible and I feel like I can’t trust my body or how it feels as it is now lying to me.  Each pain or sick feeling I get I think, ooh, maybe I am pregnant or maybe it’s just the progestrone again!

So I am on “vacation” visiting family in Michigan and my 14th day arrived for me to test and to my disappointment it was another negative.  While I am reading my results yesterday my really, really cute 2-year old nephew is downstairs making noise with his toys and I am remembering that we have plans lined up with our good friends and their 9-month old boy and I am wondering if I am going to be able to handle it.  I cried in bed for a good 30 minutes while my husband used the bathroom.  I pulled it together as we kept busy all day but I just felt a wave crash down on me with emotion as I finally had a moment to myself again.

Last night I was supposed to stop taking progesterone and just let my body return to normal.  Instead I just doubted the test.  Was it really negative?  What if I am actually pregnant and the test didn’t show it.  I pull out the test (I kept the used home kit in my toiletry kit since I didn’t want to leave it in my sister’s trash bin for her to see).  After 10 hours the test looks different, maybe even pregnant (the other line showed up)  and so I let myself believe that just maybe…  I am living in the naive fantasy.  I take another progesterone “just in case” and delay the inevitable.  Why don’t I believe a home test after 14 days?  That is what my doctor said to do.  No means no, right?  I am feeling stubborn and in disbelief and I am giving it another try tomorrow morning.

Meanwhile I am arguing with my husband about this whole “vacation” to his hometown.  I am miserable and everything seems to upset me.  I was much more tolerant of the family stuff before the test, but now I am just angry.  Angry that I am still at this and my friends are having their second babies.  Angry that I have to pretend to be so happy when I am really sad inside and frustrated that I can’t talk about how I really feel.  Angry that I am left out of our social circle that all has kids now and angry that I have no baby to talk about.  I am also angry that my husband can find such joy in staying for a week in his parents house and town in August, windows closed, AC blasting, sitting at the kitchen table with a computer with nothing but pavement and big box stores around.

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