Still Pregnant

20 Aug

July 10 Day 1 of cycle
August 9 Positive Test
August 20 Today
August 24 First ultrasound!

I am counting down until my first ultrasound next week, on Tuesday August 24. It is keeping me going and allowing me to let go of so much negativity and social stress. I’ve really let go of caring about things that used to haunt me like keeping up with my competitive friends and holding bitterness towards those who have hurt me.  I have reached a chapter of my life where I can find other friends that are more interesting and fulfilling, new friends, or just happily do things solo or with my awesome hubby.  I have already told so many people- my RE, my OB (and their assistants), Work DayCare (to get on waiting list), my YMCA manager (to explain my new limit that I can’t teach hi impact classes anymore), my therapist, my entire RESOLVE support group and I am tempted to say something tomorrow at our group reunion if the topic comes up (it may if alcohol is served). So many social gatherings just fill me with anxiety and I feel like, why bother with that? I am cutting that crap out of my life, esp. anything involving high stress, competitive people that make me question myself and my life choices.  I have been keeping conversations short and keeping my secrets to myself. I kind of want a new start if/when this is all over. How much I would like a better, healthier social circle of friends worth spending time with individually where I can be myself.

Meanwhile I am focusing on my new little baby. I am putting a lot more into this mentally. I have tried so hard to get to this point that I have to celebrate each day and just think of the end point, that I am having a baby. Everytime I say that/think that I feel like I have to knock on wood. I love going for walks to the park because I feel like I am going to really have a baby and be able to take him/her to the park for walks for real soon. I loved practicing with our house guests and their baby. It made it seem real and possible. And our little box of toys in the corner – makes me so happy I can’t put it away. Grow, little guy, grow! I am taking the prenatal meds, baby aspirin, progesterone, avoiding high impact exercise and just going for walks daily, meditating, and eating all the right foods with calcium, protein and folic acid. It is SO fulfilling I have not been as tempted to tell folks. However, I am going to be exploding after Tuesday one way or the other- something big is going to happen- good or bad, and if they say we are not sure come back- that is bad.

It’s been 12 days since the positive test and each day is an accomplishment. Each day I am praying to God that this time I will get good news and we are going to start our family. In the meantime my emotions are almost numb as I can’t feel great joy or pain until I know something for sure. I guess that’s why I can’t feel close to anyone right now. I am visualizing that we will go in and see a healthy heartbeat and I will be just burst into tears of joy! Then on to my OB the following week for more good news (knock on wood). When this happens it is going to feel like a new me and a new world. It’s been a long journey and I am so ready to get off of it and start this new chapter of my life without hesitation.


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