48 hours later

27 Aug

Only two days ago I went in for my first ultrasound and I got the dreaded news- we are not seeing what we want to see.  In fact this was worse than my two previous pregnancies, all we saw was a gestational sac, no embryonic sac and no “”crown rumpling”  This crown part sounds like the actual microscopic baby growing.  Of course it was a huge blow.  I was so thrilled to be pregnant at all after trying for over a year.  It is a good sign that I did get pregnant.  The letrazole may be doing something.  My body actually ovulated on day 14 which was pretty incredible and I thought a good sign that maybe I could finally be “normal”.

Technically there is still hope.  They have not declared that there is nothing for sure, because they need to see multiple ultrasounds over a period of weeks to see the decline of the pregnancy to “be sure”.

Since I am taking progesterone nothing will spontaneously come out, so the only way to know what is going on is with the ultrasound.  My next one is scheduled for next Monday.  My dear medical friend, Ilana, was very positive saying she’s seen this many times and sometimes it is too early to show, just wait a week.  Sergio seemed pretty confident that “nothing is in there”.  I’d have to agree.  Just a black blob on the screen.  It felt all too familiar to get bad news after a positive pregnancy test. If only the little + sign on the test could be a baby.  I’d have 3 by now!  Instead I am really on a roll with these.

The thing is this time I was really positive.  What are the odds of having a miscarriage this time?   I saw the healthy follicle that was about to ovulate.  My doctor confirmed it was ready to go any time and we did the deed as prescribed and on schedule.

Ironically that was probably the last good sex we’ve had.  Once I started the progesterone my downstairs became overly achy and painful, my drive dropped and then once we got a positive test my doctor officially told us to wait.  Of course now my mood is completely gone.

I guess the positive side is, yes, I got pregnant and I can at least have that.  Two weeks of cautious optimism and hope.  It was glorious.  I found something that worked so we can repeat and hope we get lucky yet again.  There is hope also that this time when I stop my meds I can just miscarry naturally.  Yes, miscarrying naturally is actually something I see as a plus because I hope to skip the whole D & C process for a change, plus it rounds out my experiences for trying something a little different.  I’ve done the knocked out D & C, the awake D & C, and hopefully this one will be a painless mega period as it is so early- not even 6 weeks based on my hcg test.

Getting off of progesterone is just a plus all around.  The stuff does make me crazy although, when I thought I was pregnant I was too happy to notice.    And finally I get to have more time in my support groups.  Despite my good news, it really hurt to no longer be in that group.  I felt like I knew them and I felt really alone with my anxious optimism that I couldn’t share with the fertile world.

This short period of being pregnant (so no longer qualifying for the support groups) and then going through the weekly ultrasound, bad news/ no news/ wait cycle is complete torture.  I think about it constantly!  I feel like a week has passed since that appointment and it has only been 2 friggin days.  I feel like every day is an accomplishment.  Getting out of the house and focusing on ANYTHING else is an accomplishment.  It is so easy to get sucked into the self pitying rat hole, counting how many times, how many months of trying, how old I am now, how old I was when I started, how many babies have been born and friends have become moms since is complete and utter torture.  These are automatic negative thoughts I need to run from immediately.

Fortunately I planned an emotional week was going to happen so I scheduled a session with my therapist.  It will be very different than our last session where I was totally beeming.  At this point I am seriously considering anti-depressant medications.  I just need my head to take a break until the verdict.  When they told me to wait a week and come back I felt like just waiting in the office.  What use was I going to be to the world during that week anyway?  I would just mentally torture myself.  Who wouldn’t?

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