Still on the edge

31 Aug

I had my second ultrasound yesterday and still saw nothing, just a sac.  The good news is that the sac was twice as big as last time.  Now it is 2 cm instead of 1.  Woopee!  I should be happy that there is progress, but I REALLY wish I could see something in there.  My doc said that she has seen it work out for some people and I guess I am just hoping I am one of these people.  Apparently it’s better than my previous pregnancy which had a tiny embryo but a slow heart beat.  In her experience really slow heart beats are really unlikely to result in healthy babies.  So I am either having a miscarriage for the third time or maybe a pregnancy.  My gut feeling is that I am progressing for now but I will hit a wall in couple weeks and the progress will stop and I will repeat the whole thing again- another slow motion miscarriage that takes weeks.    Either way, I need to get comfortable being on the edge like this.  You’d think I’d be good at it by now, but my gut tells me that if you don’t have good news on your 6 week visit/1st ultrasound, you may as well throw in the towel.  Dragging it out week by week really is torture.  It would help to have some statistics of how likely it is for this to turn around.  My suspicion is that it is not more than 50%, since my doctor didn’t want to get my hopes up.

My visit was a bit surreal.  I started out totally grumpy back at the OB office, head down, avoiding any glances at those annoying Parenting Magazines they leave everywhere or pregnant bellies that I expected to see.  (Ironcally I’ve seen more pregnant women at the YMCA and farmer’s market than in the OB office- the one place I am mentally ready for it).  I kind of dismissed the receptionist who asked me to fill out all sorts of forms.  Anything that wasn’t necessary I just skipped like ones related to future visits and tracking pregnancy.  I really felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there and was feeling a bit ticked off that my RE suggested  go there for ultrasound # 2.  It was intense being back there.  As part of the paperwork I had to fill out the same crap as always about possible family history, etc.  It seemed like such a big waste of time.  I really wanted to just say to them- “I have an empty sac and I am just waiting for confirmation that there is nothing there!  I don’t need to start planning for a baby that probably won’t make it!”.    It was hard not to be pissy to the chipper receptionist who deals with the “general population” that gets pregnant and actually gives birth a baby later.  I would LOVE to be in that “general population”.

So they called my name and I went back already knowing what to expect and just wanting it over with.  It’s one of the most awkward experiences to have with a doctor.  A weird reunion if you will.  So I saw the same assistant who was happy to see us back and asked how we were doing.  I just played along while wanting to say- it has been a sucky year and a half trying to get back here and we still aren’t ready to be here.  In fact I felt like we should’t be there.  That was for normal pregnant women and I was meant to stay in my RE bubble of problem people.  I feel more comfortable with the problem people.  They get me.  She was nice enough and still much nicer than the witch who works at the other clinic I went to for my first pregnancy.  That lady had no people skills and didn’t understand the concept of sensitivity.

So we waited nervously and my OB, Holly, finally came in.  She was the one who congratulated me just a few weeks earlier and made it feel like it might be real this time.  She handled my last pregnancy so I wanted to stay consistent and she was patient with our millions of questions.  I learned this time that they just don’t know the answer to 90% of them, so I stopped expecting answers.  They only know what my body is showing them.  In this case she came in very serious as she had already read my chart seeing the empty sac recorded in my last ultrasound.  She admitted to being surprised to see us at all as we hadn’t really “graduated” to her yet.  I couldn’t agree more and I was regretting taking my RE’s advice and scheduling the appt in the first place.  But we were there, and I did appreciate the other perspective, even though she was comparing me with the “general population”, instead of the “special population” that I am now in.

She set right to work with the ultrasound, understandably wanting to have something to talk about.  But it was the same.  I didn’t even look this time as I figured they’d let me know if there was anything worth seeing.  When said the sac looked empty I felt a little relieved, like – well, it’s over, I can move in.  However, we learned it grew.  That is good news, but it means the verdict is no verdict.  Wait some more and come back is the verdict.

She sent me to take an hcg blood test immediately afterward.  I should hear some results from that today.  If those are higher than last week than that is also a good sign.  If not, well, let’s cross that bridge when we have to.  My hcg test was an added drama.  I got someone less experienced this time who really hurt me and then said that it wasn’t working and he’d have to do it again.  So we waited for someone to come stick my other arm (someone who knew what they were doing).  I got an audience of 4 during the second round- my husband, the new person, her new protegee she was training and the guy who messed up who clearly needed more training.  It was all way too much drama.  I left with a bandage on each arm so I looked like a suicidal patient.  After all these blood tests I felt embarrassed to be such a pain.  I blame it on the new guy.  It will be worth it if it gives us some more definitive info- hopefully a big change in my levels up or down.

I did accomplish a couple big things.   I got a letter of permission from doctor saying I was allowed to keep teaching my fitness classes.  The gym required it even to keep teaching my gentle low class for seniors.

The second thing was she gave us some ok for some sexual activity again.  I realized that abstaining (as recommended by my doc) has only added to the stress.  It felt like we were being punished- and I felt like I was punishing my husband.

This waiting with no end in sight feels infinite.  Part of me feels like maybe we should just wait a really long time until the next ultrasound, but the other part of me just wants some confirmation one way or the other as soon as possible.  It’s on my mind daily and I don’t want to waste time stressing and crossing my fingers longer than I have to.

3 Responses to “Still on the edge”

  1. Foxypopcorn August 31, 2010 at 1:39 pm #

    Hi Friend! Welcome to this bloggosphere world. I hope that it offers you the kind of support that it has for me.

    You are so brave for going to the OB for your ultrasound! I so appreciate the way that you feel separate from the the general population.

    I am so sorry that you have to be stuck in the waiting place again. There was an incredible post that Katie at ‘From If to When’ wrote a while back- Katie is one of my favorite writers, and I think about this post all the time.

    Welcome again! I added you to my blog list, and look forward to staying in touch. xoxo- foxy

  2. starfishkittydreams August 31, 2010 at 2:22 pm #

    What an amazing post. I totally agree that the Waiting Place is one of the hardest places. I feel like I’ve been in it for over 2 1/2 years now. Waiting for the next period. One of the hardest parts of miscarriage is the waiting to try again. It feels like 2 cycles wasted and there’s not steps you can take to move forward, just waiting.

  3. Genevieve September 1, 2010 at 8:44 am #

    Stopping by to wish you a great big welcome to bloggy land and a hug of luck that a good embie shows up in that sac. Good luck sweetie!

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