Reality starts again tomorrow

2 Sep

I have ultrasound #3 tomorrow.  Will I see anything new since 5 days ago?  I don’t know.  It has been blissful NOT thinking about it this week.  Maybe because I only had to wait 4 days since my previous one, maybe because I got good news on the Hcg, maybe because work has been busy and productive,  I don’t know, but I have been able to avoid the negative hole I was drowning in last week and most of Monday.  Ironically the books I ordered from the library about dealing with miscarriage, resiliency and positive thinking arrived for me today.  I’ll have them ready for tomorrow when I don’t know where I am going to be emotionally.  I don’t have much time to react because I’ve got the appointment with my doctor at 9:15, followed by a busy work day and juggling the painter finally coming to finish the paint project.  I’ll have to hold it in, at least until evening with so much going on.

Today I went for a walk again.  It seems like there are two groups of people out walking: the dog people and the baby people.  It makes me think that if this doesn’t work out I should start thinking about a dog.  Of course i am out walking because my RE cut me off from any real exercise at the gym.  When I was more confidently pregnant I kind of enjoyed fantasizing walking with my future little one to the park, but now that I am on this edge, it’s just weird.  I walked near the park, but not to it like before.  I didn’t want to see the little swings, etc. this time.   Thinking about that just seems a bit sad.

I stopped doing my meditations too because I couldn’t figure out which ones to do.  I had these great ones that are for fertility and these other ones for pregnancy.  Meditation in general just reminds me of this whole process right now, so I am taking a break on that too, for now.  I feel that feeling when you are going through a long job interview process.  No news is good news.  I kind of don’t want to go tomorrow because until I go to a doc I can keep fantasizing that it could work out, I could actually be pregnant for real this time.  I want to live in this fantasy.  Going tomorrow is another chance to get rejected for the job I’ve been working for, praying for, having to start over.  I want to remember this feeling of being naively unaware and really just living in the present.  I don’t know what tomorrow holds.  For now, ignorance is bliss.

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One Response to “Reality starts again tomorrow”

  1. Katie September 3, 2010 at 6:02 am #

    Hi, I’m here from Foxy’s blog. I just wanted you to know that I’ve been reading along and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Crossing my fingers that this next ultrasound brings good news.

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