Back to reality

4 Sep

So I am down from my drug-induced state of relaxation and it is starting to sink in.  The good news is that the whole experience could have been way worse.  I am not pregnant anymore and I am not waiting to end it. It’s over and I got to go through it with my regular doctor who I know and who will follow up with me in a month or so.  In the meantime all the restrictions are lifted (except still no sex, nothing goes in or out of there for the next week).  I leave tonight for Maine and my DH joins me next Thursday.  We are just relaxing here at home.  I am really tired because despite all the drugs I woke up in the middle of the night and then couldn’t sleep.  I feel back to sleep for a few hours after 4 or 5.  It was just all spinning in my head.

The debate has begun of who to tell and how much and when and how.  Parents and in-laws have no idea and I kind of want to keep it that way.  We don’t know why and most friends and family are well meaning but jump right in to problem solving and telling me what I should or shouldn’t do next.  I am just really sensitive about how people handle/mishandle this.  My in-laws want to grill us like we did something wrong.  My parents just stand there stunned and are clearly uncomfortable and don’t know how to comfort me so they try to act casual and change the subject.  Other friends tell me I just need to relax, try acupuncture, or worse criticize that I am using fertility drugs at all.  One friend literally told me I shouldn’t because of the risk of birth defects.   This is the same friend that shot me down with horror stories when I suggested considering adoption as a viable option.  My RE specialist was really sympathetic, more so than any OB I’ve ever had.  I talked to her today and she suggested I follow up with my regular doctor for anti-depressants.  It’s really come down to this.

When I think about where to go from here I really don’t know.  Honestly when people ask how are you doing I don’t know what to say either.    If I had a “normal” disease I could tell them I was sick or something.  If it was a real person that died I could talk about grieving.  Instead I feel like the choices are suck it up, fake it, or share and risk being upset by their lack of understanding and sensitivity.  In a way not telling is a way of feeling more in control.  However, it really is tough holding it in.  Which is why I’ve just been avoiding people and turned into a pretty anti-social person.  It’s already the elephant in the room for anyone who has known me for the last few years so it is more pleasant to just be alone or with my DH than with any of our peers.  My friend who had a miscarriage earlier this year is already pregnant and due in September with her second baby.  My other friend who had a miscarriage got pregnant again right away and her baby turned 1 this year.  My first miscarriage was before either of them even started trying.  so even though I have sympathy for them, it is just so different going through this for a few months, vs. years.  It’s hard to stay positive and brush stuff off when you are consistently let down and socially shunned for having trouble at all.

I leave on the red-eye this week, but plan to check in and blog on my trip.  I really hope this trip helps instead of hurts and I plan on enjoying some good cocktails and previously forbidden foods.  For example last night I even had some Pillsbury cookie dough- what a naughty treat because of the raw eggs!   I also plan to bring my running shoes and try to get some exercise again.

12 Responses to “Back to reality”

  1. Foxypopcorn September 4, 2010 at 6:30 pm #

    hi there,
    I am so sorry that you are experiencing another loss. You strike me as such a strong woman, and I know that your strength will help you re-emerge from the grief when the time is right. I was updating my mom and want you to know that her heart is broken for you, too.

    Big love and hugs – Foxy

  2. Foxypopcorn September 4, 2010 at 6:34 pm #

    One more thing – I’ve been taking happy pills ( since February, when we got some bad news and I hit a new low. I am so glad that they are available, and am honestly surprised that more of us experiencing infertility are not taking them. They have made a HUGE difference for me, and helped me get to a place where I can deal with so many of the other feelings. It is a big decision, but I am a big advocate.

  3. Illanare September 7, 2010 at 1:23 am #

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  4. Annie September 7, 2010 at 8:24 am #

    So sorry for your losses. And for the lack of support – “consistently let down and socially shunned” – well put and boy can I relate.

    I hope that antidepressants work for you. I tried them for awhile after back-to-back losses and they actually made things much worse, though I didn’t fully realize how much worse until I quit taking them. Just watch carefully because they can affect you subtly over time and in ways you don’t expect.

  5. Katie September 7, 2010 at 9:42 am #

    Here from LFCA.

    I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I experienced 9 miscarriages in our journey to have our two living children, so I have some idea of the heartbreak you are experiencing.

    I will be thinking of you and your babies.

  6. Rebecca September 7, 2010 at 4:01 pm #

    So sorry for your loss & all the insensitive people you have encountered. People are just so clueless sometimes when it comes to infertility issues. My husband & I are also coping after the loss of our daughter recently, as well as infertility issues…it’s unbelievable the things that people have sometimes said in an attempt to comfort. Thinking of you & sending love…hope you’re able to get in some much deserved relaxation on your trip:)


  7. a September 10, 2010 at 5:46 am #

    I’m sory for your loss.

    I’m a big fan of holding it in – that’s what I do in most situations. Sometimes, things get so big that you need to let it out, and when you don’t have a trustworthy place to do it, it’s incredibly stressful. The only way to get what you want from people, though, is to tell them what they’re doing wrong. Easier said than done, I know, but you might find that people are more receptive, once they’re aware. I hope you can find someone who you will be comfortable talking to.

    Here from the Roundup…

  8. Geochick September 10, 2010 at 7:26 am #

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Visiting from the Friday Roundup.

  9. Kristin September 10, 2010 at 2:27 pm #

    Here from Mel’s roundup…When I was in the midst of all the losses that secondary infertility brought me, I ended up on anti-depressants too. They truly were a godsend. I hope your trip is good.

  10. Justine September 10, 2010 at 9:01 pm #

    I have had a few miscarriages, and though I didn’t talk about them before, I’m finding that I’m talking about them now … partly because I think people need to know, need to understand that this is also part of the “normal” spectrum of things going wrong physically … but that’s hard to do without distance.

    I hope that you have many guilty pleasures for a little while.

  11. myinfertilitywoes September 11, 2010 at 10:12 am #

    Oh, wow. I’m completely feeling this way now, and have been for awhile. Really anti-social, which is so not me. I haven’t wanted to go to church. I haven’t wanted to be around friends, especially those with babies/kids. And I do feel that most of the time when I share, I’m disappointed about the sensitivity & understanding. It totally sucks.

    Oh, and yeah, I feel the same way that I feel less empathetic for friends who had miscarriages but are already on #2 while I’m almost 3 years later, still waiting!

    Here from the Round-up and hoping your trip gives you the time away in body & soul that you need. (((hugs)))

  12. jamie September 19, 2010 at 8:03 pm #

    I’m sorry. I empathize with your post. Our disease is shunned as if we chose it.

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