Back to reality

So I am down from my drug-induced state of relaxation and it is starting to sink in.  The good news is that the whole experience could have been way worse.  I am not pregnant anymore and I am not waiting to end it. It’s over and I got to go through it with my regular doctor who I know and who will follow up with me in a month or so.  In the meantime all the restrictions are lifted (except still no sex, nothing goes in or out of there for the next week).  I leave tonight for Maine and my DH joins me next Thursday.  We are just relaxing here at home.  I am really tired because despite all the drugs I woke up in the middle of the night and then couldn’t sleep.  I feel back to sleep for a few hours after 4 or 5.  It was just all spinning in my head.

The debate has begun of who to tell and how much and when and how.  Parents and in-laws have no idea and I kind of want to keep it that way.  We don’t know why and most friends and family are well meaning but jump right in to problem solving and telling me what I should or shouldn’t do next.  I am just really sensitive about how people handle/mishandle this.  My in-laws want to grill us like we did something wrong.  My parents just stand there stunned and are clearly uncomfortable and don’t know how to comfort me so they try to act casual and change the subject.  Other friends tell me I just need to relax, try acupuncture, or worse criticize that I am using fertility drugs at all.  One friend literally told me I shouldn’t because of the risk of birth defects.   This is the same friend that shot me down with horror stories when I suggested considering adoption as a viable option.  My RE specialist was really sympathetic, more so than any OB I’ve ever had.  I talked to her today and she suggested I follow up with my regular doctor for anti-depressants.  It’s really come down to this.

When I think about where to go from here I really don’t know.  Honestly when people ask how are you doing I don’t know what to say either.    If I had a “normal” disease I could tell them I was sick or something.  If it was a real person that died I could talk about grieving.  Instead I feel like the choices are suck it up, fake it, or share and risk being upset by their lack of understanding and sensitivity.  In a way not telling is a way of feeling more in control.  However, it really is tough holding it in.  Which is why I’ve just been avoiding people and turned into a pretty anti-social person.  It’s already the elephant in the room for anyone who has known me for the last few years so it is more pleasant to just be alone or with my DH than with any of our peers.  My friend who had a miscarriage earlier this year is already pregnant and due in September with her second baby.  My other friend who had a miscarriage got pregnant again right away and her baby turned 1 this year.  My first miscarriage was before either of them even started trying.  so even though I have sympathy for them, it is just so different going through this for a few months, vs. years.  It’s hard to stay positive and brush stuff off when you are consistently let down and socially shunned for having trouble at all.

I leave on the red-eye this week, but plan to check in and blog on my trip.  I really hope this trip helps instead of hurts and I plan on enjoying some good cocktails and previously forbidden foods.  For example last night I even had some Pillsbury cookie dough- what a naughty treat because of the raw eggs!   I also plan to bring my running shoes and try to get some exercise again.