To tell or not

7 Sep

Speaking of secrets I feel like I am carrying big one while i am here. My family has no idea. They don’t ask which I interpret as meaning they are not comfortable talking about it, don’t want to know, or are afraid of upsetting me. Some of the time it works. I pretend along with them that I am normal, everything is normal. But inevitably I see a trigger that reminds me and I shut down. These days EVERYTHING is a trigger from toys in gift shops to the Koala Kare diaper changing table in the restroom of the lobster restaurant. I am even thinking of quitting working at the Y where I teach fitness classes part time because it is a filled with kids and pregnant women who come for swimming lessons, summer camp and prenatal fitness. At the moment I am still just teaching my seniors who are gratefully way beyond childbearing and mommy talk. I can delay deciding on that one as I have a sub scheduled for my first trimester which goes for another 4 weeks. I told my manager there I was pregnant early on so I could get subs for my high impact class that I was no longer permitted to teach. It’s going to awkward when I let her know I return that I can teach again with no more pregnancy to worry about. She got really excited when I first told her of the pregnancy congratulating me and the like.

Meanwhile the big question is to tell my family or not. My mom knows of the first two. Last time I told her after the d&c was over. What do I gain telling her? There will still be an elephant in the room, just a different one. From infertility to mysterious recurrent pregnancy loss. I have no answers to any questions she may have and I just don’t think I can tell her and look her in the eye. The phone was much easier as I could end the cal at any time. We have almost a week together. I may just make it more awkward. My brother and his wife know about #1 back when i was optimistic and naive. I never talked about it again with them.

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13 Responses to “To tell or not”

  1. Nelly September 10, 2010 at 9:50 am #

    So sorry to hear of your loss. We mc earlier this year and have an overall rough time with life the past 12 months! Hoping to conceive with Clomid but it’s not working out so far. GL to you!

    My mom hates to hear about this stuff – but I’m an oversharer….I end up telling total strangers, then kick myself later. I almost told a kid in the dollar tree about pregnancy wednesday night.

  2. Roccie September 10, 2010 at 7:36 pm #

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I think I understand your pain.

    You’re stuck, aren’t you? I don’t know you yet, but how can you not tell your family? But man, nothing hurts like someone letting you down after a loss. Nothing but the loss itself. It sucks so very badly when you dont get the response you need and deserve.

    I dont think I will ever forgive my husband’s family. It sits between us, large and ugly. I dont know if they even see it.

    Every relationship offers something different. Come here for comfort. Come here to your friends for a shoulder who gets it. I rely heavily on these relationships. I hope you can too.

  3. egghunt September 12, 2010 at 8:50 pm #

    Here from LFCA to give you a hug. Its hard to deal with these things alone, but its even harder to deal with them if you have a family who don’t really understand what you’re going through. I only tell my family the parts I feel comfortable in sharing, some of them got annoyed that I wouldn’t tell them everything and this hurt me for a while but I actually sat my mother down and told her that her needing to know was less important than me needing to heal. Some people will say that talking things over with your family will make you feel better, but it really depends on your relationship with each other. I’ve learnt we have to be a bit picky about who we open up to as some people just don’t have the social skills to deal with this info. Its sad, and I really hope you have someone close who you can confide in as otherwise that white elephant will just keep growing.
    Hugs to you (())

  4. Adele September 12, 2010 at 9:13 pm #

    Here from LFCA. I’m so very sorry about your loss. Reading through several of your posts I realize that we have similar histories. Deciding whom to tell and when to tell…it’s hard. I’ve been all over the place inconsistent with it. But I guess we’re also entitled to do it as we see fit/need to in the moment.

    So sorry that you are battling this. And you are right. It’s awful when it’s spread over years (vs. those who are lucky enough to get pregnant right away with a healthy one). Hugs to you.

  5. Andie September 13, 2010 at 3:13 am #

    Hi, I came over from LFCA.

    I’m so sorry for your losses and I understand how very difficult it is to be in this place. Sending you a big hug and wishing you all the best on your journey.

  6. cowgirltn September 13, 2010 at 8:54 am #

    I am sorry for your loss.

  7. Another Dreamer September 13, 2010 at 1:24 pm #

    I am so sorry for what you are going through (*hugs*) I’ve lost three pregnancies in the last 3 years, and it’s always so difficult. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I am sorry you are going through this.

    I did tell people about mine, but I also needed them to understand why I was so depressed… knowing prevented them asking. It didn’t get me the support I needed, but it did prevent the unnecessary questions. There really is no right or wrong thing to do here- do what’s best for you.

    Again, I am so sorry.

  8. Katie September 13, 2010 at 1:51 pm #

    I am so sorry to hear about your losses.

    We didn’t tell our family about our first two losses and wouldn’t have told them about my third, but my parents happened to be in town when I miscarried. With our fifth loss, we got overconfident because we had seen the hb and RE released us at 9 weeks, to we told our families, then lost the baby at 12 weeks, so of course, had to tell them then.

    To be honest, I never gained much from telling my family. My mom was actually a detriment to me when it came to recovering and was not supportive. The only thing that it did do was save me from the “when are you gonna have kids” questions.

    • starfishkittydreams September 18, 2010 at 11:12 am #

      I just found your blog and I see you had 9 losses but now 2 beautiful children. It is inspiring to see a happy ending to so much loss. I am so sorry you had to experience that. Even 1 is a terrible loss, I can’t imagine the pain you had to endure. Now that I am officially in the repeat pregnancy loss group I am eager for examples of other couples who had three or more and have made it through. Thank you so much for commenting. It means a lot to me to know about others who have been in similar shoes.

  9. Rebecca September 13, 2010 at 5:36 pm #

    So sorry for your loss, I wish I had a brilliant answer for you, but you know your family and what you need best. If you don’t think it would bring comfort to tell them than maybe it’s best not to, right now you need to do what is best for you. Be gentle with yourself.

    ~LFCA

  10. Justine September 13, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

    I so understand this … I almost didn’t tell my mother after my second, and told her nothing after my most recent. Now, I am pregnant again, and waited until I was 16 weeks along to say anything. A friend of mine puts it this way: “Don’t go to the well if there’s no water.” The reason to tell people here (besides your manager) is for support … so you need to figure out who will give you that support. You don’t need another burden right now … you need people who won’t ask stupid questions or say stupid things, who won’t make your feel like you’re being judged, who will know when to be silent and when to offer a hug.

    Which we will do, unconditionally.

    • starfishkittydreams September 18, 2010 at 10:56 am #

      Thank you for commenting. I am really excited for you! Congratulations for making it to 16 weeks and getting a healthy ultrasound scan. It is an inspiration that good things happen to those who go through loss.
      I checked out your blog and I was thrilled to see you share two of my great passions- baking and photography! What gorgeous photos you have of your edible creations!

  11. Misfits September 14, 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    Also popping in from LFCA to say hello. I can also see we share a bit of history here and I can only say that if telling the family will in any way lend MORE support and comfort, then do it. I’ve found wisdom in a comment left to me saying that helpful people will be helpful no matter what. But, this sort of news doesn’t permanently soften the barbs delivered by well-intended family.

    I am incredibly sorry for this loss and want you to know that you are most certainly not alone here.

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