Telling the friends and family

16 Sep

Thank you guys for the support!  I did tell a few folks on my “trusted” list.  My mom tried to be supportive in her own way.  I think she gets that it makes me sad, but she doesn’t really get the experience as she’s never gone through it.  She has more of a deer in headlights look when I discuss it with her.

What gets me is the taboo of it all.  If I had a different illness I could talk about it more openly.  For example, my mom spent lots of time talking openly about her acid reflux.  I’ve never had it but I was sympathetic to going through pain and how it affects eating and her quality of life.  There’s nothing weird about it as a subject and people can talk about it openly without shame.  Infertility on the other hand has an element of shame/embarrassment and helplessness.  Noone has any REAL advice unless they’ve gone through it and bringing it up makes everyone feel really awkward.  I limited the telling to my mom and left it up to her to use her discretion to tell my dad.

I told my friends who had mixed levels of support.  My friend who is in  medicine and sees this all the time was REALLY supportive.  My single friend kind of ignored it, like oh yeah, that’s too bad, now lets focus on my problems again.  Part of me feels guilty complaining about it to her because she’s still going through heartbreak and not in a relationship where she can try to have children, despite her dating efforts.  Another friend of mine who now has a 6-year old just has really thoughtless advise/tips that she nonchalantly throws out that land like bombs.  When I mentioned chromosomal abnormalities as a potential cause she informed me that there are even more that are not testable and started telling me about people she knows with babies born with mental/physical problems.  Just what I needed to hear!  Way to hit someone when they are already down!  I don’t know how she thought telling me that was helpful.  The message I got from her comment is that in case I am lucky enough to get pregnant again and actually give birth that I should stay on edge worrying about all the potential problems even at the end.  Personally, I’d rather not know/think about more problems that can happen that are out of my control.  You either try to have a kid or you don’t and those are the risks we are all aware of going into- it’s clearly a crap shoot the whole way.  This is also the friend who told me adoption horror stories when I confided in her about considering adoption.    Clearly, telling her is pretty pointless, but I felt weird NOT telling her when I visited.

I also told my manager at the Y.  She was matter of fact about it and was focused on me keeping my timeslots filled, etc.  She told me – “I hope it works out better with your next try”.  Short, but too the point.

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One Response to “Telling the friends and family”

  1. Nelly September 17, 2010 at 10:21 am #

    Do you feel any better? I couldn’t have gotten through my MC without the support of others. BUT I have nobody IRL that has gone through any issues conceiving. I told a friend the other day the Preg. test was still – and I was bummed about it. She went on to tell me about her cousin that just had the EASIEST pregnancy and how she and her husband are going to try again. Seriously? Nobody gets it.

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