What does 3 mean?

18 Sep

I went to bed last night excited to sleep in for the first time since we got back from our trip after a long work week and instead I woke up with my head spinning about what else- family building and miscarriage emotions and the usual bitterness that the friends I used to hang out with on the weekends are all waking up with their little ones and how unfair it is that we have been at this for almost 3 years and have nothing to show, etc.

I was listening to a British podcast (Best of Talkback: Is Miscarriage a Taboo subject?)  about  miscarriage yesterday and they discussed the taboo subject of miscarriage.  One of the guests who had 4 miscarriages was saying how she was actually not traumatized by the experience.  She had 3 kids with no trouble at all and then had 2 miscarriages when trying for a fourth.  Since she knew her body could produce healthy babies she said she still had confidence that she could do it again.  And after two she had a fourth child.  Then later she was pregnant by accident and lost the baby.  She was so upset she realized she really wanted a fifth (and the 4 kids wanted another sibling) so she tried again and miscarried and finally had a successful pregnancy on the last try. Her odds of miscarriage had increased partly because of her age.

I am feeling a bit like I just jumped on this train at the late stage and hence I went straight into the repeat loss department.  The difference is I don’t already have 3 kids so I really don’t have that confidence that I can have healthy babies ever.  Supposedly there is happiness in the future when I resolve this situation.  According to another podcast (Have a baby.com live: Treating Recurrent Miscarriage) either we finally have a healthy baby or we realize we can’t- and I am not sure a doctor will ever tell us that so they may just tell us to keep trying and we will keep miscarrying.  Is this a realization that we have to come to on our own?   Apparently a lot of doctors just tell you to keep trying and there is a good chance you will just keep miscarrying each time.  The doctor on the call said that there is a test (CGH embryo testing,) you can do during  IVF that confirms if the embryo has chromosomal abnormalities- so you can rule this out when they implant.  Your odds of miscarriage drop way down when you do this.  If you miscarry after this test then it is probably you, not the embryo that has issues.  (In which case you may not be able to carry or use your own eggs or both).  My doctor collected tissue from my last D & C for testing in the hopes of learning something more.  What I learned in the podcast is that these tests that they do after the third D & C usually tell people nothing because the sample is usually contaminated with the mother’s tissue.  So I know now not to get my hopes up on that one.  If we learn anything it will be a bonus, but I am not counting on it.

So the options are 1) keep trying knowing you are likely to miscarry again, 2) try this IVF test and basically do IVF 3) explore adoption and avoid dealing with another loss.  In general, I feel much bleaker about all this then I did when I started.  The first two were treated like flukes, this is a sign of a pattern that is likely to be about me -meaning there is a good chance either my eggs are messed up or my body can’t carry.  I now I don’t want to have someone else carry the child.  It’s $100K and the thought of someone else carrying and giving birth to “my baby” is just disturbing.    I honestly just think I am too insecure to be “replaced” and admit to the world I can’t do it and there is something wrong with me so I need to pay someone else to do it.  I would consider the egg donation if I had some guarantee that I wouldn’t miscarry.  Otherwise it feels like a giant gamble with bad odds, making the loss all the greater.

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2 Responses to “What does 3 mean?”

  1. Another Dreamer September 19, 2010 at 10:48 am #

    Not trying to pry, but what other loss testing have you had done? I see about the fibroid in the side bar, but wasn’t sure if there was anything else.

    It is a tough decision on what to do. After my third loss we felt very defeated, and neither of us is hopeful. But we’re still trying as we’re planning on adoption. Everyone has to do what they feel is right- and repeat losses complicate things so much.

    Thinking of you as you navigate these waters.

    • starfishkittydreams September 19, 2010 at 10:23 pm #

      I’m happy to share. We did a sonohysterogram which showed the polyp. The next month i had the laproscopy procedure to remove it and check it all out. From what my doc said it sounds like my uterus is ok. The other test is what they are doing now with my d&c tissue.

      Are there other tests you know about that you recommend?

      My fingers are crossed for you! – Wendy

      Sent from my mobile device

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