Happy for friend, but damn that stings!

20 Sep

Just when I was feeling more accepting of the whole childless status I get an email reply from a friend who is now pregnant with her second and thrilled.  We bonded when she experienced a miscarriage when she was trying for her second.  I am really really happy for her.  I know she went through a tough time with her miscarriage and must be so happy to be so far along.  She even knows it’s a girl (23 weeks).  While I know she’s totally deserving, I find myself thinking- hey, what about me!   There is no comparison in our situations. For her to feel like me she would need to subtract her 1 living child, multiple her miscarriages by three and stretch the whole thing out.  Having a miscarriage or multiple with no living children really makes you wonder if it will ever work out.  Since most repeat miscarriages are unexplained I have little confidence going forward that anything will change.  However, I manage to blame myself- why did we wait?  Now I am 37.  We started when I was 34.  Things will only get more difficult as I get older.

This month we are not TTC.  I have to wait for my cycle to start up again in a few weeks.  This week I go in for an hcg test to confirm my levels have dropped and my body has stopped thinking it’s pregnant.  Next month we are back on the horse again.  I think there is a good chance we can have more repeats and get pregnant again- but my confidence in keeping a pregnancy to term is just completely shot.  I know it’s just blindly rolling the dice at this point.

Of course I can’t say any of my feelings to her (or anyone else, except for this blog).  I’ve decided to just plead the fifth and just say Congratulations.


2 Responses to “Happy for friend, but damn that stings!”

  1. Nelly September 20, 2010 at 11:39 am #

    Totally feeling ya again today.

    My frend just emailed me a response to my “I started AF” email including sad face. She’s going off birth control so I need to get pregnant before her so I better get “on that”.

    “I’ll just go right out and do that you idiot” is what I WANTED to respond. So I am silent instead. I’m sure in a month I’ll be saying “congrats”.

    • starfishkittydreams September 20, 2010 at 12:30 pm #

      I agree, you should get pregnant before her. It’s only fair after all you’ve endured! However, she seems to be suggesting that her getting in the game will have any impact on your progress. If only it were so simple. She clearly doesn’t get it and has never been there. It actually sounds like she was trying to be positive, but it just falls flat when you are on the other side. I try to be patient with folks because I remember being naive like them. I know because I said some stupid stuff to my infertile sister before we started trying having no idea what it was like. I was trying to be encouraging, but i bet she wanted to punch me in the face for my ignorance too. Now she has a two-year old and seems to have forgiven me.

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