Woke up crying

6 Nov

Normally mornings are the best part of the day for me and nightimes (and the middle of the night) is when I have most of my out of control irrational thoughts about my grief and despair.  Last night I went to bed crying had bad dreams and then woke up crying.  Not a good start.  I should be off to a good start now that we are back to trying again.  I had an initial excitement when I got the ok from my doc who saw me on my cycle day 3 and prescribed the Femara.  Somehow it all came crashing down.  Why do I have to try this a fourth time?  Why is this happening?  Two months ago my first baby should have turned 2 years old and next month would be the first birthday of my second baby.  I haven’t hit my due date for my most recent loss.  I just need to get this grief out of me.

I am back on the horse technically, but scared that even if I get pregnant I will miscarry again.  I am too aware of people who have had even more losses than me and I am wondering if that is where I am headed.  For example my acupuncturist has had 7!  I have tremendous respect for her for sticking with it, but I don’t know if I can handle even 1 more at this point.


3 Responses to “Woke up crying”

  1. Foxypopcorn November 6, 2010 at 1:30 pm #

    Your grief is so real.
    Much love to you – I hope that your day gets better.
    xoxo – Foxy

  2. Nelly November 7, 2010 at 12:03 am #

    Feeling your pain. I’ve “only” suffered one mc but I have that huge fear of loss again. Once is enough, 3 is more than enough.

    Keep your chin up. Praying for you….

  3. Another Dreamer November 7, 2010 at 12:18 pm #

    I’ve had 3 miscarriages, and I am absolutely terrified of another loss. Scared of getting pregnant, but then again I’m terrified of not getting pregnant again… it’s a double edged sword.

    (*HUGS*) on all the emotions involved in the process.

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