Brave accomplishment- shopped at Baby Gap with my pregnant friend!

13 Nov

I think I deserve an award after today.   I finally got together with a friend who I love dearly, but is expecting her second girl in January.  We hadn’t talked since she told me about the pregnancy back in the summer time.  We had bonded earlier this year as she had experienced a miscarriage herself, but she managed to get over it and get pregnant again in what feels to me like record time in comparison to my journey that drags on at snail’s pace.  A week ago I couldn’t have handled it.  Not even close.  But I managed to finally get over my jealousy and break the awkward silence and send her an email last week letting her know that we had another loss and that I missed her friendship.  She replied that she was thinking about me and would understand if I didn’t want to see her in person given the circumstances.  Her sensitive comment really made me want to try and get together and so we met today.  I was proud of how well I handled it all.  I was truly happy for her and put my struggle a bit on hold.  We talked about our situations and it was just nice to be heard and feel connected again.  There were tears again as I described some of what I am going through, but I managed to hold it all together.  At the end she mentioned she needed return something at the shopping center nearby and would like to go with her.  I wanted to spend more time with her so I gave it a shot.  Sure enough I found myself at Baby Gap with her and then next door at Gap Maternity helping her find clothes.  I was actually proud of myself for being able to just be a friend to her and play it cool.  Since I was clearly not shopping for anything for myself and normally walk by those stores bitter at the shoppers inside it was an interesting experience to be there.   She only had a few hours away while her husband was watching their daughter so this was her only chance to shop for herself.  So I just tried to be helpful (since I was obviously not interested in browsing for myself).  I left feeling pretty good, but recognizing that experiences like that are usually a mine field.  Just the other day I almost burst into tears looking at the shop window for Pottery Barn Kids- which is uber cuter with the cribs and pastel plush dolls.

After we parted ways and  I was feeling really good I got an email from another friend letting me know she is also expecting a baby girl in January.  I had no idea she was even pregnant so it caught me by surprise and kind of spoiled my cool momentum.  I am telling myself it’s cool because I have to hold it together tonight but I know it will come crashing down on me soon.   The news just marinated painfully in my stomach for a few hours til I got home.  I replied congratulations, etc. to be nice and also to just stop my mind circling. She was the last one of our circle of friends to get pregnant and it feels like she just got married a few months ago. I was the oldest one in that circle and now really am the last one.  It stings.   Replying congratulations and so happy for you, etc. just helped me let it go a little.   I left off any news about me as she has no idea and it just seemed like telling her in the same communication was wrong.  I just wanted her to have her moment.  It wasn’t my moment to come out of the closet on this stuff.

It was a good day, but making it through felt like an accomplishment, so I just wanted to pat myself on the back a little.  Definitely having at least 1 cocktail with dinner tonight!

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