Follicles not quite ready/ Big Bellies everywhere!

15 Nov

I had my 14 day ultrasound today and it looks like my follicles are not quite ready.  I am really disappointed we didn’t have a confident endorsement to start trying like the previous cycle.  We still a few more days.  Considering the stress of this month, I guess I am not surprised.   I asked what would cause it to be smaller and she mentioned that stress could have an impact.  So now I am stressed for having been stressed, the double whammy.  I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, but I am not so optimistic about this month now.  And I kind of blame myself for letting my emotions get the best of me last weekend and hurting our chances.  Despite the talk therapy, acupuncture and massage last week, I think my complete breakdown over the weekend had already taken its toll.

Hoping for the best and trying to be optimistic I went ahead and started peeing on those OTKs in the morning last Friday and we even timed our bedroom activities to coincide with the possible positive for today.  Hopefully we can keep up the momentum.   While it is more romantic that an IUI, I feel like it is more personally demanding to be in the mood at the right time again and again.  In a way, doing it should at least help with the stress reduction.

Yesterday ended up being a harder day again.  It felt like all the super pregnant women were out flashing their bellies in my face.  My neighbor who appeared out of the blue looks like she is about to pop.  Some friends then commented about seeing our classmate who apparently is due any day.  I hid in my house to avoid any potential conversation.  I went to both the farmer’s market and Target yesterday which are both magnets (or so it seemed) for big bellied women.  I started to get a little crazy each time I turned a corner to find another one in front of me.  Being repeatedly confronted and surprised with pregnant women is like my own little haunted house experience.  To calm myself, I avert my eyes and try to refocus on happy thoughts.  To show I am completely crazy I honestly felt embarrassed and ashamed to be near them.  Like they were looking to me to smile approvingly at them – “Congratulations!”.  My shame comes from my inability to reflect the joy they are projecting (or I am automatically assuming they are projecting).    In short pregnant strangers make me really uncomfortable and pregnant friends strike an even more sensitive cord.

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3 Responses to “Follicles not quite ready/ Big Bellies everywhere!”

  1. jaclyn November 15, 2010 at 3:18 pm #

    I’m one of the big bellied women running around. Don’t worry about not smiling at me. I’m just out running errands and am completely focused on buying groceries. Some strangers are excited by my pregnancy; others could care less, and it doesn’t matter to me at all. I talk to the excited people, since it makes them happy, but I could care less if a stranger at Trader Joe’s is just focused on shopping and doesn’t notice me or hides from me. Pregnant women aren’t usually feeling their best, and they won’t notice you hiding if you need to.

    IF sucks, and you need to do whatever it is that you need to do to get through it.

    • starfishkittydreams November 22, 2010 at 12:22 am #

      Congratulations! Since you found my blog I gather getting to where you are was a journey and a challenge as well. I hope to be a big bellied woman one day too (obviously). I need to get over my weirdness around pregnant strangers (and women pushing infants in strollers). Avoidance seems to be working for me right now.

  2. Misfit November 16, 2010 at 9:00 pm #

    Target is a pregnant person magnet. Worse is going mid-day, when it seems the emit a siren to draw the mothers to be in from everywhere. Swing on by sometime and say hello! I’ve got my fingers crossed for your next scan.

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