Is there a bright side to IF/pregnancy loss?

17 Nov

Before screaming a resounding “no!” I wanted to just ponder this question.  I grew up encouraged to look on the bright side and make lemonade out of those damn lemons.  For example, after getting laid off I was able to look back and say that the event actually helped me because I ended up finding an even better one.   When our trip to Italy was canceled (due to our second miscarriage) I rescheduled it to something more relaxing and probably more enjoyable than I had planned the first time.  When our noisy dishwasher broke I got the excuse of buying myself one that was newer and quieter than the first.  In other words, when you hit the bumps you move on and find a way to at least tell yourself one thing you’ve gained, and you probably would have missed had you not hit the bump.    In a sense you spin the loss into some sort of gain, even a small one.  That way when you talk to a friend or co-worker about the issue you can end it with the good thing that happened as a result, even if it was a small win.

While I am able to drum up positives about the challenges in my life outside of this, I am stumped on what good there is.  How is going through something like this in ANY way making our lives better?  It just seems all around bad.  It’s not as if I can say, hey, at least this great thing happened as a result.  Instead I find myself just grateful that it is only this bad and not worse as everyone knows of another person with an even worse problem. (And yes, I know there are plenty of worse issues in life than this- like losing living family members, becoming terminally ill, etc.)

Sure, I’ve made the best of a bad situation.  In particular I am grateful for all the amazing people I’ve encountered in groups and online who have been so wonderfully honest and supportive.  I don’t think I’d love you ladies any less though if we met under difference circumstances.

I guess this may be the case for most medical issues.  When tough health issues strike, you become more aware of the fragility of life, grateful for what you have, focus more on the moment and have increased empathy towards those around you suffering with pain, loss, and hopelessness.  Potentially once you conquer this there is the gratitude that goes with it.

I guess it all goes back to the age old question of what am I learning?  What is God trying to teach me?  I read about this in When Bad Things Happen to Good People.  In the end bad things just happen and sometimes there is no good side.


4 Responses to “Is there a bright side to IF/pregnancy loss?”

  1. Misfits November 17, 2010 at 10:12 pm #

    This is a rough one. I get angry lots of times thinking that all of this is character building that I didn’t ask for. I suspect that one’s attitude on what you learn depends on what side of the baby fence you end up on after going through all of this.

    That said, I do think it will be worth it in the end and that you’ll get some nugget of wisdom that you can pass on to future generations. If nothing else, you can tell your kids how much trouble you went to in order to bear such ungrateful brats. So, I am holding loads of hope that you’ll say that it was worth it and you learned something looking back over your successful journey to be a mom. It’s going to happen. It must!

    • starfishkittydreams November 22, 2010 at 12:18 am #

      Thank you, Misfit! You have a real talent for writing. I hope we all get a BIG nugget of wisdom or some bonus somewhere along the line. I visited a friend today who is a mom and is having some really tough problems and it reminded me that there is pain on both sides of the fence. Sometimes I over-romanticize how awesome it is to be a mom.

  2. onetokeep November 18, 2010 at 5:59 am #

    I agree, sometimes I think there are no good answers to questions like this.

    Its like asking “Why does God allow children to be abused?” Who the hell knows?? Its just not something that can be explained away, justified or made sense of.

    I think half the battle is being able to accept that without driving ourselves crazy or becoming bitter. Thanks for making me think.

  3. Nelly November 19, 2010 at 11:56 pm #

    I know you and I have talked about this before. My horrible, honest, opinion? There’s a point to all of this. For everyone.

    Do I know what it is? Nope. Frustrating as all get out. Especially with the craziness I’ve endured this year…there has to be some sort of purpose. I can’t wait to get the book!!

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