Archive | December, 2010

Green light = Go!

19 Dec

I got the green light from my doc and the smiley face this morning.  Fingers crossed for the two week wait!

Meanwhile trying to get my mind off of the holiday playdates I am hearing about from my friends visiting from out of town with their 1 year old.  I shouldn’t go there, but my second loss was due last year this time and would be 1 year old this week. Sniff.

Lisa Ling’s Miscarriage (from the View)

19 Dec

I admit up front that yes, I do like to read celebrity miscarriage and IF stories.  Hence I totally watch the Bill and Giuliana show and read the online sites.  I caught this story from Lisa Ling on the View.

I relate to Lisa’s story because we are both 37 and had the same experience of having no heartbeat in the ultrasound.  I even got pregnant easily my first try (3 years ago!) so I too was cavalier and then completely shocked when it all came to an end.  And I also feared it would happen again (and with good reason).  Her story is a good reminder that even just 1 miscarriage can totally mess you up emotionally and shake your confidence.   Her big quote is that she felt like a “complete failure”.  I guess I have to say I sometimes feel that way as well.   However, I do feel some optimism as we are back to trying again and attempting to move forward.

Day 14- Fingers crossed for Appt. today

19 Dec

Despite my gloominess obsessing about the peer group, today IS day 14.  I didn’t bother taking an OPK today as I head to the doc for an ultrasound at 10 AM.  I figure that will give me way more information.  I am crossing my fingers!  Since it is a Sunday my husband is even going to come.  He’s never been to a day 14 one so I figured why not.  In a previous visit where I had a good one on my left side, my RE joked – “Tell him to point to the left!”.  This was also the month got pregnant.   I am hoping maybe he’ll feel more involved in the process if he gets to see where my follicles are at before we try this month. I like when he comes because it just feels like the responsibility is a bit more shared instead of the usual role of me being the messenger.

Social Awkwardness with the Peers

19 Dec

After almost 4 weeks of feeling content and emotionally stable I felt the slap of reality when this weekend hit.  It started with a gift exchange with some friends, a couple we’ve known for years that just had their first child earlier this year.  We met in the evening and they barely mentioned the baby during our whole visit.  It just seemed really incongruous with what new parents are like.  I appreciate that they didn’t want to overdo it for whatever reason, but their overcompensation of saying nothing made me feel really awkward.  The healthy way to interpret that event is to think that maybe they didn’t want to bore us as they weren’t into talking about kids before they had one.  The less healthy side starts thinking of how they are intentionally avoiding the topic around us because they either think we hate kids more likely, we are reproductive failures and they don’t think we can handle their joy.  Either way it hurts.  It feels like we are no longer friends and it’s because we didn’t have a baby at the same time.  I’ve come to terms that we are going to be really late to the parenting party, but it feels like a slap in the face when they are hiding it from you.  I am SURE they talk about this stuff with other friends and now we are pushed to the outside and there is a giant elephant in the room.  If they ever asked about our situation, at this point, I think I might even tell them, just to clear the air.  Instead it feels like they know something is up and they just want to avoid feeling awkward so they avoid it all together.

At the same time some other friends of ours are visiting from out of town with their baby and it feels like our whole gang of friends is getting together for play dates.  We aren’t invited of course.  We just end up as the childless weirdo’s and it kills me.  Even if I got pregnant today, I just feel so behind that I don’t feel like we would ever catch up.  Their kids are going to be going to school by the time ever have one.  When they talk about meeting up with their kids and what developmental stages they are each at it really feels like a knife through the heart.  I guess I always pictured being a part of that and having kids around the same time as the rest of our friends, or maybe even earlier as we started earlier.  Instead it just feels extremely unfair and embarrassing that we are still without a baby and it’s become a taboo subject.  If I was more mature and rational I would not give a crap what my peers think and I would stop obsessing about the likelihood of their gossiping about us and how messed up we must be for being in our lat 30s and still not having any kids.

I’ve had the hardest time with the social awkwardness that comes with miscarriage and infertility.  After trying for 3 years (yes, it will be 3 years in January), I would really rather just be out of the closet and stop having the damn elephant in the room every time I see them.  If I had a more personal 1-on-1 relationship with these couples I think it would make it much easier to bring up.  However, we just get together as couples and the tone is typically more joking as we talk about stuff and not about emotions.

This gang of friends are all people we met in grad school who have later turned into high tech superstars.  They tend to be folks with PhDs from Stanford in Engineering who are very ambitious and avoid showing any weakness or talk about their emotions.  People gloss over their problems and make light of them with sarcasm.  When we get together it’s more to talk about funny stuff that happened, the latest movies/video games or the next Facebook app or Google product.   The friends I have outside this group have been really supportive, for the most part.  It’s just this group that I can’t seem to get comfortable with.   I am sure it is related to my own insecurities about being with people who are uber-successful in their careers and seemingly on track in their lives.  I think I already had a chip for just having a Master’s degree (not a PhD) and being in a less prestigious/lower paid career (Education).  To some degree our differing status in parenting now seems to nail the coffin for me in our relationships.  It becomes yet another thing for me to feel inferior about and as a result, unimportant and left out.

Happily Distracted, Yeah for the Holidays!

17 Dec

I can’t believe I am only two days away from day 14 (hopefully my smiley face day/ovulation day).  I am scheduled to go in on Sunday for my Day 14 ultrasound and am hoping THIS month to get the nice follicles.   I was bummed about my late ovulation last month.  It just felt off.  This month I am up and running on 2x the dose of the Femara.  So far the biggest side effect is MAJOR dizziness.  At times I felt like I was drunk!  I started the meds during my trip to NYC with my college friends so I was out and about and not in the best place in case I needed to sit down etc.  Fortunately I found that as long as I didn’t tilt my head up or to the side I was fine.  I felt weak even taking photos pointed up.

NYC was an AMAZING trip that had my mind totally off of babies.  That place is one of the BEST places to be if you don’t have kids.  I admired the handful of folks I saw pushing strollers in the 20 degree cold.  There kids were so bundled you wondered if there was even anybody inside all those blankets.    Since it was a gathering of girlfriends we had some 3-4 hour lunches that were just sublime and relaxing with no talk of parenting.    It helped that my 3 girlfriends that I went with are still single and not trying to have kids. We were completely mobile to do all the fun NYC stuff for Christmas like chilling in nice restaurants, looking at lots of baked treats at Chelsea Market, seeing the Rockefeller Center tree + rink (with crazy crowds!), Saks Fifth Ave windows (in the COLD!), visiting MOMA (tip- it’s free on Friday nights, instead of the usual $30), going to the Top of the Rock (really nice and relaxing, not touristy like I expected), checking out the Bryant Park crafts market and Ice Skating (great hot chocolate) and seeing a show.  The show we saw was called Next to Normal and it was AMAZING!  It was EXACTLY what I needed.  The show focuses on a woman who suffers from mental health issues including, depression, and bipolar disorder.  Since I have been deep into psychology (and bordering on depression myself) for the last couple of years it was so poignant.  It was deeply satisfying and the musical score is so well written I felt like I’d just read an excellent novel.  No wonder it won the Pulitzer.  Starting in January there will be a traveling show going to cities all across the US.  Sure enough it is coming to SF (my area) in just a month.  I guess I could see it again.

On my last day (Sunday) I spent the day with my brother (gay and single) and babies never entered the conversation yet again.  It was a real treat seeing him on his turf.  He is such a New Yorker!  Whenever he comes to family events (in Maine primarily) he talks about New York city, culture, events, and landmarks.  It always got on my nerves, but here it made sense.  He has no clue what is going on with us in the baby department which was fine with me.  It was a REAL break!

Holiday Cards: Fear them or embrace them?

8 Dec

My first photo holiday card arrived today!  I was fearing these for months (I think I even posted my fears about these back in September).  It was from a family I don’t know very well and it caught me by surprise.  I expected my heart would just explode by seeing these cute kids, but instead I honestly just felt delighted.  “Yeah!  Someone was nice enough to send me a card!”  I guess my fear of isolation outweighed my baby envy.  I’ve posted it on my little board by my desk to remind myself that it’s nice to have friends, even if they have cute kids and are clearly proud.  Good for them.  Maybe one day I can send a similar one back. Until then I’ve got a stack of pretty cute holiday cards with a neat design (cards, not photo cards) so I have something to send in return.  I debated sending one with a photo of the two of us or with the cat, but decided that seemed too pathetic unless you could get really creative and funny with it.  I didn’t send any cards at all last year because I felt so insecure about being baby-less for another year.  It didn’t help that my due date for my second loss was December 24.  Somehow I bought into the notion that you had to be a family (ie. have at least 1 kid) to send out cards.  Since when is Christmas only for people with young kids?  By sending photo-less cards I feel like I can at least be a part of the card sending thing without making a statement about our nest being empty.

Good news and bad news

8 Dec

The bad news is I got a BFN this morning.  To top it off I was bleeding as well.  Between the two I figured it was enough evidence that I didn’t need to drag myself to the lab to be poked for the confirmation.  Sniff, it didn’t work this time.

The good news is that I went in today to see my doc since I was unsure of my cycle situation (ie. does bleeding = day 1?).  Usually you expect to wait a few days after you get the BFN and stop the progesterone.  Lucky me, I not only started right away, my doc checked out my lining and said it looked more like Day 3.  She confirmed I had no cysts, and gave me the green light to start up on the meds tonight!  She even upped my prescription this round so maybe I’ll even see 2 follicles ready for action next month.

I am excited to get back on the wagon again and soon.  For a moment (when I thought I was only on Day 1) I thought I might miss getting meds this month because I’d miss the Day 3 checkup window.  I am going to NYC for 4 days and am returning on Monday which would have been 1 day too late for getting the checkup and starting meds.  I would have had to hold off on meds for a whole cycle (aargh!).    So i feel particularly grateful that my body happened to time things that work out with travel schedule for a change.  My Day 14 should land around the 19th, well before the holiday shut down and our planned trip with the in-laws.  Considering I almost missed the med window, I am especially grateful to get amped up again.  Fingers crossed for lucky round 2!