Archive | January, 2011

No Heartbeat. No Fetal Pole. : (

27 Jan

WTF.  I just got home from my appointment and damn, that sucked.  No heartbeat.  No fetal pole.  Just a big ass sac with nothing in it.  I am discouraged and not hopeful this will be any different than the previous ones.  We give it one more check next week (7 more long days of waiting).  I will be 8 weeks along by then.  If nothing develops, it will become loss #4  and we end it.

I am tempted to schedule a D& C now knowing the likelihood.  At least we’ll save the last minute scrambling and who knows, maybe that will jinx things in the right direction.

Right now is the time for those stories of people who had an ambiguous first ultrasound but good news on the second visit.  They say it happens, but it has never happened for us, so it’s hard to imagine.

Thank you so much for reading along.  Your support and encouraging comments have really kept me sane through this.


24 hours til first ultrasound (7 weeks and 1 day along)

26 Jan

I am REALLY looking forward to the appointment tomorrow.  This has felt like the LONGEST week.  I am scared, but I am also tired of being anxious about this.  After tomorrow I will either be completely overloaded with joy (followed shortly thereafter by more fear and skepticism)  or devastated.   Last time I expected more emotion to come out of me as they gave me the bad news that things weren’t normal, to wait and come back.  I was in shock and my brain just shut down.  I went into automatic pilot.  Ok, no heartbeat and no embryo,  thanks for letting us know.  I wasn’t knocked out by the news.  I was just feeling like, yeah, here we go again, been here before.  Ok, what next.

I am completely scared to go in tomorrow, but I feel like I’ve waited long enough and it’s time for me to face the music.

2 days til first ultrasound, paranoia steps in

25 Jan

I woke up this morning feeling lower back cramps and my mind immediately jumped to — oh no, am I starting to miscarry?  My brain has really not been able to have any pleasure in this pregnancy.  I’ve been in a state of constant worry and anxiety this whole time afraid of where this will go, already assuming the worst.  Last time I was little miss optimism, figuring the odds of having a third loss were so rare and already fantasizing about becoming a mother.  Now I feel like the odds of me having a healthy normal pregnancy are rare and I can’t think past this Thursday.  Definitely glass half empty thinking here.  I am two days away from finding out SOMETHING.  I just need to hold it together here.  Since things at work and in my life otherwise have been very slow and uneventful it has given me way too much time to stew on these worries.  That’s definitely not helping.

No News is Good News- 6 weeks and 2 days

20 Jan

It’s a week until D-Day (my first ultrasound) and I am feeling the tension and anxiety already.  I overly obsess over every weird sign my body gives me from pains and spotting to nausea and fatigue.  I’ve already learned that just because you have a positive pregnancy sign, good hcg numbers, pregnancy symptoms and no menstrual period, it doesn’t mean anything is guaranteed.  Meanwhile I AM having these symptoms which constantly remind me that SOMETHING is going on in there. I’m reminded again as I cut out coffee, sex, alcohol and any real exercise from my life.   I’ve gone from my usual dance workouts to just going to the occasional yoga class and doing an occasional walk around the neighborhood which I have to drag myself to do as I am constantly tired.  I honestly just don’t feel like myself.  I should be excited but I mostly just want to sleep and tune out.

I feel like I am in the quiet before the storm and I have a hard time concentrating on anything.  Part of me is tempted to just go in on Saturday instead of waiting the full week.  I’m scared and I feel like I am stressing when I should be enjoying myself.  I am letting myself think that maybe things will go well. But when people (the few that I’ve told) say “congratulations” I immediately knock on wood and just say “we’ll see”.

Most recently my acupuncturist gave me a “moxa stick” that I am supposed to light and hold over my head and at my feet to help prevent miscarriage.  I have them here, still unwrapped.  It seems a bit too voodoo for me and potentially dangerous as you could totally burn yourself if you hold it too close.  I love that they believe in this, but I feel like my fate is already sealed.  If this one has bad chromosomes, these sticks aren’t going to change anything.  Of course if I don’t use them and it turns out bad I will feel SO guilty that I didn’t even try.  So I pledge to give it a try.  I’d love more info on these, but haven’t found anything on line that supports her claim that they help with pregnancy.  Here is something about how to use moxa sticks to treat infertility.   It is an interesting concept for sure.

Free Resolve TeleSeminar with SELF Magazine author

17 Jan

I was really moved when I read the story “Breaking the Silence on Infertility ” in Self magazine story about infertility. (Thank you Foxy for sharing this link with me!)

Just recently I heard that the author will be speaking at an upcoming Resolve Teleseminar.  Here is event info if you are interested.  I plan to dial in!

Resolve TeleSeminar: “This Woman Has a Secret” on January 20, 2011 at 9:00PM ET

Guest Speakers: Jennifer Wolff Perrine, SELF Magazine and a Representative from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Listen in as Ms. Wolff Perrine describes what it was like to write the ground-breaking story on infertility that appeared in the August 2010 issue of SELF Magazine. The CDC will tell you about their infertility patient resources, and learn how to turn your family building experience into action through RESOLVE’s nationwide advocacy efforts. Question and Answer period will be available. If you would like to partipate in this free TeleSeminar, sign up here.

The no sex wait

11 Jan

I called my RE today (on the urging of my husband) to check on if it was ok for us to have intercourse now that I am in very early pregnancy.  Sure enough the response was no, wait until the first ultrasound (in two weeks).  She said this last time too, so I am not all that surprised.  The only research I’ve found on this shows it makes no difference, but she thinks there may be a risk of interfering with the delicate implantation.  Considering that is what got us here, it seems a bit weird to suddenly be cut off.  One of life’s great oxymorons.

So far so good

8 Jan

I did the follow up hcg and my numbers were “robust”.  This is great news but I can’t completely buy it. This whole thing feels like a long job opportunity for a job you know you can’t get because it is too good to be true.  They string you along and build you up only to shoot you down.

I love knowing that I am going in the right direction but I do NOT want an ultrasound.  My last three “first ultrasounds” were like a knife to the stomach.  The news every time was that it doesn’t look far enough along and come back in a few days.  After multiple rounds of this, they all ended the same- no heartbeat, no growth, sorry.  Just thinking of going freaks the hell out of me.    So for now I am going to enjoy my 2 weeks of oblivion and buy the fantasy that this is a healthy and normal pregnancy like most people expect when they first get that BFP test.

I believe I read somewhere that of women who have had 3 losses, 70% eventually have a healthy pregnancy.  Technically the odds are in my favor and there is no reason to jump to concluding this one is a lost cause already, but my brain just can’t.  Even yesterday when they drew my blood for the second hcg the technician said “she’s pregnant” referring to me, but I assumed he meant someone else.