So far so good

8 Jan

I did the follow up hcg and my numbers were “robust”.  This is great news but I can’t completely buy it. This whole thing feels like a long job opportunity for a job you know you can’t get because it is too good to be true.  They string you along and build you up only to shoot you down.

I love knowing that I am going in the right direction but I do NOT want an ultrasound.  My last three “first ultrasounds” were like a knife to the stomach.  The news every time was that it doesn’t look far enough along and come back in a few days.  After multiple rounds of this, they all ended the same- no heartbeat, no growth, sorry.  Just thinking of going freaks the hell out of me.    So for now I am going to enjoy my 2 weeks of oblivion and buy the fantasy that this is a healthy and normal pregnancy like most people expect when they first get that BFP test.

I believe I read somewhere that of women who have had 3 losses, 70% eventually have a healthy pregnancy.  Technically the odds are in my favor and there is no reason to jump to concluding this one is a lost cause already, but my brain just can’t.  Even yesterday when they drew my blood for the second hcg the technician said “she’s pregnant” referring to me, but I assumed he meant someone else.

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4 Responses to “So far so good”

  1. Courtney January 9, 2011 at 12:11 pm #

    Yes! That’s what we learned at the seminar. (Although, the hubby swears it was 80%. But that’s 80% WITH treatment for the cause, 70% without treatment. but you’re doing treatment, right? So that’s even better!) And I think it’s completely normal the way you’re thinking right now. In fact, I’m pretty positive I will be exactly the same way when I finally get pregnant. It’s self-preservation. After 3 losses, I think it’s hard to be otherwise. I think it completely makes sense to be waiting out the ultrasound. There’s no rules at this point, do what’s best for you and your sanity. That’s all we can do!

    I’m thinking about you!

    • starfishkittydreams January 11, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

      Thank you for confirming. I read a lot of statistics at one point and now they are all mixed up in my head.
      -Wendy

  2. Nelly January 10, 2011 at 12:47 pm #

    It’s so weird isn’t it? Like you want to be excited but you’re so scared of being happy this time. And I’ve “only” had one m/c so I can’t even imagine how you feel. Happy for you though – things are going great! 🙂

  3. Misfits January 10, 2011 at 4:20 pm #

    You are so right in waiting for the scan. Enjoy these weeks and know that I am here pulling for you. BIG TIME.

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