2nd Ultrasound confirmed blighted ovum

1 Feb

With a disappointed heart I got the confirmed bad news today.  Expecting nothing else at least I wasn’t shocked.  I had time since last Thursday to process and accept that this is the road I am on.  I head in tomorrow for the D & C and I am actually looking forward to it.  I had the foresight to schedule it in advance so it’s with a doctor I know (my RE) at a scheduled surgery center (not an after hours waiting list situation) and I will be completely KNOCKED OUT (the best part).  I’ve had all the other combinations and with experience I’ve learned what I want and don’t want.    Without a doubt the worst situation is being awake, with a doctor I had just met and who was squeezing me in as a favor.  As nice as she was, it was all way too much unnecessary drama.  If you’ve done one of these in-office procedures, you know what I mean.

In addition to having it on my terms and in a good timeline (just 24 hours after the bad news- yeah- not dragging it out for days/weeks) I am just happy to not be pregnant anymore.  This pregnancy I have really just felt miserable.  I had a short perk of joy at the very beginning but then anxiety quickly set in along with all the familiar symptoms- constant nausea, complete lack of energy (and almost inability to stay awake), and ultimately paranoia on what I could eat, drink or do.

Overall I feel tapped out.  This has really drained me and maybe that’s why I’ve just kind of dropped off.  I don’t have the strength to face what our next steps are or think about trying again.  I hate to sound like a quitter, but 4 losses in a row seems like enough.  I am ready to throw in the towel at this point.  Is life without kids really that empty and pathetic?  Maybe I am so narrowly focused on motherhood that I am overlooking other opportunities to participate in the world and live a rich and meaningful life.  I grew up thinking that I’d have kids someday, never really too focused on when or what if I didn’t.  I feel like I am almost programmed to want to be a mother, like it really is a biological urge.  Now that it seems unlikely that it will really happen I am just picturing life without children.  It sounds a bit sad and empty after trying for so long, but maybe I should focus more on the very real possibility that this is it.  Other people can raise children and maybe I can do something else.


5 Responses to “2nd Ultrasound confirmed blighted ovum”

  1. Katie February 2, 2011 at 7:56 am #

    I am just so, so sorry. Sending so much love and lots of hugs.

  2. missohkay February 2, 2011 at 8:12 am #

    I’m sorry – I just saw your last two posts out of order and was so hoping for a miracle for you! Much love ❤ (here from LFCA)

  3. missohkay February 2, 2011 at 8:15 am #

    By the way, I threw in the pregnancy towel after 3 losses. Don’t feel like a quitter if that’s what you decide is best for you.

  4. bodegabliss February 2, 2011 at 9:36 am #

    I think it makes complete sense to be ready to throw in the towel. I don’t think you’re a quitter at all! In fact, it’s the opposite in my mind — you tried and now you just can’t any more.

    I’m so sorry. You were the first person I thought of this morning and I was hoping you were okay. And I think you will be.

    Sending my love…

  5. Misfit February 2, 2011 at 10:18 am #

    Crap. I am very glad that the D&C is going to be quick and with good knockout drugs. My heart is broken for you guys. Bouncing back seems harder and harder, but I am here pulling for you.

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