A Cynic Emerges

2 Feb
A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future. Sidney J. Harris
The D & C is in a few hours and my mind is consumed with how to purge myself of all things baby.  These toys and things I’ve slowly accumulated, mostly for child guests, but in the back of my mind for my future children HAVE to go, less I become the freaky lady with kid’s toys and no kids.  This 4th bedroom that we felt like we NEEDED when we bought the house and were optimistic to start a family is just like a slap in the face.  In a period of optimism I even painted it a light yellow.  I woke up this morning obsessing with how to change it into a library, a yoga room, or a sewing room, ANYTHING that seems permanent.  Up until now we’ve used it for all sorts of temporary things with the thought that later it would be a baby room.  I’m past that now. I don’t need a room waiting for something that I am tired of waiting for.  And my Toyota Highlander.  Really?  Do I need such a big car that screams soccer mom?  The impulsive side of me wants to just trade it in for something smaller, maybe even a convertible.  As you can see I’ve gone from having an ounce of hope to complete cynicism.  While I can’t say I am going to stop trying for good, I can say that it will not have the element of hope behind it that it once had.  The expression “if we have kids” is no longer going to emerge from my lips.  (Back in  my naive days I remember actually mouthing the words “when we have kids someday”…)  I also think that the blog needs a new name.  I am tired of “Waiting for Baby” in more ways than one.
My apologies for being a giant pile of negativity right now.  It is intense and will probably pass.  I don’t want to be the person consumed with bitterness for the rest of my life.  Maybe someone out there knows where I am coming from?
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10 Responses to “A Cynic Emerges”

  1. Foxypopcorn February 2, 2011 at 3:51 pm #

    You do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Sell you car, take a vacation, purge your home of all toys and books, whatever it takes. I’ll even volunteer to come up and help you.

    Oh how my heart aches for you and this trauma and heartbreak that seems to go on and on. If you need anything… If there is anything at all that I can do…. I’m here.

    • starfishkittydreams February 2, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

      You are so thoughtful Foxy! I am back from the hospital and feeling more mellow (thank you drugs!). I was feeling really angry when I wrote that and I am already feeling more forgiving. There is something about having all these nice people take care of you and a very patient husband stick by you through the whole process that makes you grateful and let go of anger. Tomorrow is another day. but today is ok.

  2. tasivfer February 2, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’ve spent a lot fo time hating the career I don’t have because I’ve been putting my life on hold; hating the house we have because although I want to move I don’t know what size house we might need; not knowing if I can even take a short trip because of treatments much less a nice holiday overseas. Sometimes I think it’s so much wasted energy, but then I realise I beat myself up about thing enough, I don’t need to about these choices I’ve made while trying not to choose. Sometimes things just are what they are.

  3. Rach February 2, 2011 at 11:45 pm #

    i know all too well what youre feeling.

    after ttc for 11 years and experiencing countless miscarriages [approaching double figures – over with chemicals] weve given up the dream.

    i was tired of it consuming me, us, our life, putting our life on hold “just in case”.

    ive been told it becomes easier but right now im in the raw midst of it – i can see the sunlight, i just have to work out how to get to it.

    sending you big hugs.

    oh and re the bitterness – its natural and i say feel it because it will pass.

    ~x~

  4. Andie February 3, 2011 at 12:08 am #

    I understand. I have been where you are now and am still suffering from the most recent one (July last year). It’s hard to continue hoping and believing and staying positive. Just do what you need to do right now to take care of you. The negativity will pass. Thinking of you.(LFCA)

  5. Carla February 3, 2011 at 6:47 am #

    Yup. Know just what you are going through. I am on my 5th m/c that has now lasted 2 months. Probably should have done the d&e but I thought it would pass quicker than it has. Fun times.
    There are days that I’m bitter, bitchy, sad, hopeful, angry, frustrated, filled with regret because I waited to have a baby until I was married…who knew I would be in my 40’s when that happened. I’m the queen of cynical these days.
    But then there are days that I feel almost normal and ok with not having children. So what is that?

    I hate my car. I says “mommy” all over it and the spare bedroom that I’ve dreamed of decorating 5 different times is now going to be my office for the photography business I’m going to start now.

    • starfishkittydreams February 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm #

      I am SO sorry for your losses and all that waiting. I played the waiting game the first time and it felt like forever. In the end my doctor recommended a D&C anyway as it was taking too long for anything to happen naturally. Ever since I’ve just gone straight for the D&C- choosing it felt like my first chance to have at least some control over what my body was doing and when.

      I am so impressed that you are doing a photography business. That is definitely one of dream careers. What a great use of the spare bedroom!

  6. Another Dreamer February 3, 2011 at 7:24 am #

    So sorry for your loss, and the feelings you’re having. But I can relate to them so well. (*hugs*)

  7. Kristen February 3, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    Sorry for all the pain you are in right now. You are not alone. Wishing you peace…

  8. Rachel February 4, 2011 at 10:08 am #

    So sorry about everything.

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