Lost the pregnancy but regained my sanity

4 Feb

It is amazing what a difference a day makes.  Today I woke up feeling so NORMAL.  I had a night out with some friends (who have no idea about our issues) .  We went to the ballet and I got to enjoy some wine (first glass in over a month) and just feel like a normal adult.  I felt connected instead of isolated.  Much of the isolation I recognize that I bring upon myself.  The harder things get, the deeper I go.  I realize that pregnancy takes me to a certain level of crazy. I’ve been a paranoid crankasaurus for the last 4+ weeks.  It’s like my body and mind were completely taken over by another power aka strong pregnancy hormones.

Now that it’s over, life feels good again.  I finally feel like myself again.  I can plan more than a few days/weeks in advance, enjoy a cup of coffee and jump into any exercise/activity with some actual enthusiasm.   Sure we will have to face the whole family building challenge, but oddly I just feel less tragic about it all.  I am even more open to adoption which I thought I could never do.  I am sleeping better, eating better and just feeling better in general.  I even feel (dare I say it) optimistic about life.  I forgot what that felt like for a while and now can really see how isolated and depressed I was during this 4th pregancy/loss.  I am taking mental notes of what “normal” feels like in the hopes that if I lose myself again I can find my way back.

4 Responses to “Lost the pregnancy but regained my sanity”

  1. Mrs. Brightside February 5, 2011 at 10:27 am #

    I just found your blog via Misfits, and in reading through your most recent posts I can relate to so much of it – the good and the bad. I’ve also had 4 losses, and am so sorry to hear of yours and all that you’ve been through. Sucks beyond rational comprehension, what else is there to say.

    Like you, I’ve experienced this bizarre lightness after a loss, this weird relief and return to “normal” life after all the anxiety and worry. I think I’ve been feeling less tragic about it all too, almost like my worst fears have already come true, we’ve survived, time to adjust to our new reality and just deal, or else risk sacrificing the potential for a happy life altogether.

    Hope you don’t mind if I follow along 🙂

    • starfishkittydreams February 7, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

      I am SO sorry for your losses. I hate to think anyone else is going through this needless pain and drama. Your comment is spot on. It really was the worst fears realized and I do feel like I have a new perception on life. Sounds like we are in it together for now.

  2. Misfits February 6, 2011 at 7:16 pm #

    I am very glad that this “normal” has arrived. It’s weird how much those hormones can take a toll on your ability to cope with what’s going on. I know how hard it is and I’m glad that you are on the mend. I hope to catch you at group this month, if you are planning on attending.

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