Searching for a life with meaning

7 Feb

Since this last loss I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure to reevaluate my life and my desire for children.  Until very recently I pictured being a mom as playing a major part of my middle age years and beyond and deriving a lot of meaning and personal satisfaction from it.  With that becoming more of an unknown, I recognize that I was expecting having children to somehow “complete” my life.  Since I no longer count on having kids, I am all the more aware of how incomplete it is.  I feel an incredible dissatisfaction with my “safe” corporate job.  I recognize that part of  my desire to stick in this area was for the stability and flexibility I expected I would want/need if/when I became a mother.   Without kids to support I REALLY have a lot of flexibility and can take risks and try new things.   It’s scary to have to think of starting a new career at this late point in my life, esp. one that will pay considerably less.  For so long I felt like I was on a clear, well-worn path getting my master’s, getting a job, getting married, buying a house in a good school district, etc.   Now I find myself really questioning where it has led me.  We have a wonderful home with plenty of resources to support a family, but instead we have an empty nest and I find myself feeling incomplete and unsatisfied.    When parents (esp. mothers) are asked what they are most proud of, so many of them say their children.  When you don’t have those, it really pressures you to find your sense of purpose and accomplishment elsewhere.  I’ve met several folks who don’t have kids who live these really exciting lives (like a friend who travels the world photographing underwater archeology and another who leads an international relief effort).    I feel like I have a ways to go.


One Response to “Searching for a life with meaning”

  1. Misfit February 8, 2011 at 10:52 am #

    I can relate to this on so many levels. I wish I had answers. Hang in there!

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