Not ready for adoption

16 Mar

It’s been exactly 6 weeks since I had my D & C and officially ended pregnancy #4.  I am still waiting to get back on the horse and start trying again, but my cycle is nowhere to be seen.  My hcg levels are also dropping slowly.   Last I checked they were 20.  Once my cycle returns I will get it checked again to see if I am down to normal non-pregnant levels. While I try to block out the past, I don’t remember ever having to wait this long after a D & C to start up again.  Very weird, but not much I can do but sit on my hands.

In the meantime I’ve scheduled a consultation with Sara from for April 9 which I am NOT looking forward to.   Kind of fearing it actually.   I was really open to adoption until we actually started trying.  Now somehow it just feels like a whole new process that I don’t have the strength to handle.  I feel so beat up from the losses and the time we’ve invested in trying to have one naturally that starting up the adoption process feels like a big kick in the stomach.  While adoption may eventually help us build a family, I know it requires me to accept my losses and basically give up hope.  I yearn to have one naturally not just because we want to start a family but also because it would enable me to heal.  Somehow this process has ripped a giant hole in me that has left me wounded and broken.  Stopping at 8 or 9 weeks again and again leaves me incomplete.  It’s like I get on the plane, but just sit on the runway and never get to my destination.  I am stuck on having a child naturally because bringing a baby to full term would be the most healing experience I can imagine.  If it was just about becoming a mother I could jump on the adoption wagon a lot faster, but right now I can’t think beyond healing this giant gaping wound and constant feeling of physical failure.

6 Responses to “Not ready for adoption”

  1. bodegabliss March 17, 2011 at 8:55 am #

    Gah, I couldn’t agree more with everything you just said. I refuse to accept adoption as an option at this point. I’m also stil stuck on doing it naturally…and how will we ever get to that point where we can give up that hope? I just don’t know.

    I can’t remember if you’ve tried acupuncture, but I’ve been meaning to write about this on my blog. I also seem to hit the same exact point in my pregnancy each time before it fails (with the exception of the first). When I went to see my acupuncturist, he said that in Chinese medicine, when a pregnancy fails, it’s the liver that shut it down. So he says we basically have to trick the liver into believing the pregnancy is okay for me, that it’s not taking too much of our blood away from the rest of our body. There’s more to it than that, and I’m happy to talk to you about it when we meet up, but it’s a theory I can get behind because nothing else is making sense to me. Even if it’s a bunch of crap, I need something I can believe it right now (ooo, did that just make you start signing Poison like it did me? “‘And give me something to believe in…” Ha!) Anyway. He’s even got me wearing green (the color of the liver) as often as I can so it sends my liver good energy. I realize I’m making him sound crazy, but he’s actually quite amazing. At this point, I think I’ll try anything!

    • starfishkittydreams March 17, 2011 at 9:42 am #

      We did acupuncture while TTC and during this last pregnancy. I totally bought it as the person working on me had had 7 losses between her first and second child. Somehow that gave her some street cred in my mind. However, I felt a bit betrayed by her over-celebration of my last pregnancy and claims that the baby’s heartbeat was strong, blah, blah, blah. Turns out it was a blighted ovum so there wasn’t even a heart to beat. She had me using “Moxa” sticks too which seemed very voodoo, but I gave it a shot. I’ll head back when we TTC again, but for now I am taking a break.

      As far as my liver, I am not sure. Even though I only got the one test result that confirmed it was a genetic issue, my gut tells me these babies were all doomed genetically/chromosomally and it was a gift they didn’t make it further. I have no evidence to support this, but I don’t get the feeling that my body is pushing out healthy ones.

  2. Foxypopcorn March 17, 2011 at 11:26 am #

    Sending you a big hug. and lots of strength to grieve and love and make the right decisions for you. xoxo

  3. mommyodyssey March 17, 2011 at 3:50 pm #

    I think the biggest mistake I made between my first m/c and my second m/c is not giving myself time to heal. The result was a complete and total system failure. So I totally get how you’re feeling right now. Perhaps AF not showing up is your body’s way of asking for a break?
    After my second MC I took a nice long break – to settle myself, to heal myself psychologically and physically. My hubby and I are only now jumping back on the TTC train (six months later) and it’s with a much more open and healed heart – ready to face down loss if need be.
    My point is, that perhaps you should do anything right now. Just focus on yourself for a month or two. Maybe it will do you some good.
    Once we have a loss it’s so easy to want to immediately jump back on the wagon. To do SOMETHING. It gives us a sense of control. But it’s an illusion. the only thing you can control is how you treat yourself. So treat yourself well. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.

  4. Mrs. Brightside March 19, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    I can so relate to everything in this post. Founded or unfounded, I blame myself for our failures. Whether it was waiting too long to start trying, or eating that egg that wasn’t cooked fully during a doomed pregnancy, there are too many “what ifs” to even count. I ache for it all to just work already, to give us the baby that we dream of, so that I can forgive myself and let go of everything that haunts me. I want life to let me off the hook.

    On my healthier days, I see progress. That the old hurt doesn’t hurt quite so bad anymore. Which has started to give me some glimmer of hope that even if I don’t have a baby of my own, that somehow I will heal anyway and be able to let this go and be happy.

    But as of right now, I too am discouraged, and exhausted by the thought of embarking on a whole new path to get to parenthood. Can’t just go to the baby store and pick one up. No matter what will be hard.

    I’m sorry that you are in this place. But I have hope for you that it will get better, and that you’ll find the strength you need to get to something amazing that just has to be waiting for you.

    • starfishkittydreams March 24, 2011 at 2:59 pm #

      Thank you for your comment. I too feel too exhausted to start a whole new path (and a lot more money) into this. I also am uncomfortable with the complexities of having other birth parents out there, knowing that because of their circumstances they felt they had to give up their baby.

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