Fuck it

29 Mar

I met with the RPL doctor today and I just felt really disheartened.  It felt like a lot like visiting the vet honestly.  A lot of talk about their being no guarantees, lowering my expectation (which I thought were ALREADY low!), a lot of “we can’t be sure of XYZ” and your tests are inconclusive, etc.  Comparing pros and cons of stuff where all options seem to suck equally but just vary in price.   No real recommendations.

Since I was coming from another doctor I had the pleasure of telling my complete medical history again in all possible formats including the standard forms I completed and sent in weeks ago .  My medical group NEVER sent over my records even though I requested it weeks ago!  I have a real beef with them for sitting on those.   To make up for it I had to spend time digging it all up and preparing my own report.

The Dr’s assistant came in and asked me a million questions, all things she’d know if she just read half of the forms they made me complete.  Then the doctor came in and basically did the same thing.  I felt like more than half of my visit was just updating them on what they should know from all the paperwork I had to complete in advance (and they would have seen had my medical group done their job).  Just talking about it all made me sad and frustrated.  Hearing them tell me how sad my story was really made me feel pretty shitty about the whole thing and all the more hopeless.

I wanted to slap the assistant.  They are an IVF clinic primarily, so clearly she deals with couples who are focusing more on getting pregnant than keeping the pregnancy.  Her cheery comment “at least you can get pregnant!  that is such a big step!” came off as really naive.   She followed it up with “now we just need to figure out how to keep the pregnancy!”  Gee!  Thank you Einstein!  That’s all I needed to hear.  I guess it must just be our follow through.  I’ll go work on that.  Her advice sounded more apt for someone working on improving their golf game than dealing with repeat loss.

It ended with the requisite undressing and shoving things up my crotch to “get a look” at the ovaries.  While I’ve gotten used to this indignity with my usual RE, this time with 4 of us in the room (the Dr. her assistant, a third person just taking notes, and my husband) I just felt done.  She started pointing things out like, “there is your bladder, etc.” and then followed up with “oh, you’ve probably seen plenty of these”.  Yes!  I think I’ve had MORE than enough things pointed up my private parts and looked at those grainy image enough.  I am frankly fed up.  I know she is an expert, but the whole experience felt like I was undressing in front of eager amateurs and I left feeling like it was all pretty pointless.

It may have felt extra weird because it was my first visit there and so my guard was up.  I just felt like they didn’t know what to do with me.  She just quoted research that says that nothing we do really makes any difference.  There is not enough evidence for IVF with PGD to show that it is going to help us have a life baby any sooner.  When I mentioned I was interested in information gathering, maybe doing it for diagnostic purposes she was more on board.  But somehow my heart sank.  Like we’ve given up trying to have a baby and now we are just trying to collect interesting factoids about my reproductive system that MAY eventually help us have some sort pregnancy, never mind a normal healthy birth afterwards.  She then suggested getting ANOTHER hysteroscopy as their might be scare tissue.  Yeah!  Another medical procedure down there that takes months to schedule and generally fucks up, I mean delays your cycle/TTC even more

Sorry for the sailor mouth, but I am just tired of it all and feeling very defeated again.  I am back at wanting to just throw in the towel.  As my cat fights off his cancer with all the meds and forced feedings I don’t have the energy to fight this damn battle another day.  Fuck this!

4 Responses to “Fuck it”

  1. bodegabliss March 30, 2011 at 9:39 am #

    What kind of place is this?! I thought clinics were supposed to give you hope? I don’t understand. That all sounds horrible, no wonder you’re feeling defeated. Right now you need an advocate, someone who will do everything they can to get you to have a successful pregnancy. I’m really pissed at these people for you, and I wasn’t even there! Can you find a different RE to get a second opinion?

  2. Misfit March 30, 2011 at 11:44 am #

    Lame. Where did you end up? I have an appt. back at St.anford soon, and am pretty much ready for the same spiel. Hang in there. Drop a line anytime. (auntmisfitATgmail)

  3. Another Dreamer March 30, 2011 at 11:49 am #

    (*hugs*) I would be frustrated to.

    And yeah, she does sound a little naive there… geesh.

  4. missohkay March 31, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

    I’m sorry. What a letdown. I had a new gyno for my yearly today… rehashing the history is needlessly stressful. I hope that some interesting factoids add up to information that helps you get that live baby.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: