Day 14 was today (BFN)

1 May

I took a bit of a break the past few weeks from blogging.  I had a wonderful vacation last weekend in Maine celebrating Easter with family.  I was so absorbed in everyone else’s lives that I took a bit of a break from talking/thinking about what we are up to.  It was definitely a good break.  It is too easy for me to get into my self pity spiral and just assume the rest of the world (esp. the ones with the babies) have everything sorted out.

I took a test today and got the BFN.  I actually took one yesterday too as I was feeling antsy for results.  I guess it probably doesn’t work a day early so that was kind of a waste.  Since I am a doubting Thomas with these things I took another progesterone suppository tonight and plan to give it one last shot tomorrow.  Final test.  If it’s negative again, I’ll call it a definite no for the month, put away the progesterone and welcome cycle day 1.

I made a visit to the infertility support group I’ve been in since Feb. ’10 tonight as well.  I used to love that group, but more and more I feel like I don’t fit in.  It is a Resolve group and most of the participants are doing IVF cycles or IUI.  I’ve never done either of those and can’t follow along with all the lingo.  They are so filled with great advice and support for each other, but it feels like when I describe our situation there’s not a lot of suggestions people can offer.  One woman suggested giving myself progesterone injections in addition to taking suppositories.  Another suggested that maybe I am having girls and that boys are somehow easier on a woman’s body to carry.  Interesting ideas.  Another described CCRM, the clinic she is doing her IVF through in Colorado where they are doing the most complete pre-genetic testing prescreening available.  Since my sense is that our chromosomes are the problem (givin that the only conclusive test result we’ve gotten from a lost pregnancy has shown a chromosomal issue) I think we should keep this in the back of our minds.

Next Saturday we meet with the adoption specialist.  I am very anxious about it.  I  feel like I am going because at least I can say that I explored that option.  It gives me piece of mind to atleast knowing what the options are and also to be able to speak knowledgeably about it if it comes up.  I find that if/when I reveal that we are having any trouble having kids naturally, that the common response I get is, “well, why don’t you just adopt?”.  Now at least I can say we are looking into it.  Understandably my friends and family are getting fatigued hearing about my disappointments and walking on egg shells around me.  Outwardly it sounds a lot healthier and more positive to say you are pursuing adoption than to say you are waiting for a pregnancy that sticks after 4 losses. It’s just hard to believe #5 would be magically any better than the first 4.    That said, I couldn’t forgive myself for not trying, so here we are, ready for another try hoping for magic #5.


3 Responses to “Day 14 was today (BFN)”

  1. Hope May 2, 2011 at 8:22 am #

    You’re not crazy for continuing to want to try. (((Hugs))) Hang in there!

  2. Another Dreamer May 7, 2011 at 7:22 pm #

    You definitely have to do what you have to do. We’ve looked into adoption a lot, but costs and some other factors make it unattainable for us right now.

    It’s really easy for people to say to someone, “Have you thought about adoption?” when they aren’t the ones going through all this. They don’t know what adoption entails, and I don’t think they really realize what they’re really saying in regards to your desire to have a biological child or to experience pregnancy.

    And I don’t think you’re crazy either.

    If you are, well then count me in the club!

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