Grrr… double negative

31 May

Well, no pregnancy this month.  I did the pee stick yesterday and today and no dice.  This breaks my lucky streak of getting pregnant early on with Femara.  Considering what a stressed mess I was and Mr. Star was all month I guess I’m not that surprised.  He’s been thinking about work non-stop and “scheduling” our timed babydancing was almost impossible as we had house guests for 3 weeks to boot.  In addition to ending my lucky streak (if you consider getting lucky, getting pregnant at all) I have scheduled myself to move on to IVF with PGD for our next attempt.  Fuck!  As great as it sounded, now I am in it.  As “prep” next month I am doing a round of injections.  I have no idea what i am getting myself into.  Up until now the only needles I’ve had to deal with were for lab tests (hcg, etc.).  And I already felt like a pin cushion from that.  I signed up for a class at my RE’s office to learn how to do it tomorrow.  Meanwhile I was REALLY hoping I would magically get pregnant this last month needle-free.  Well, huge disappointment there.

So many other bloggers have done it so I feel like such a wimp complaining.  I drag my feet to all of this stuff because research hasn’t shown it will up our chances of not having a loss.  It feels like I am needlessly punishing myself to get to the same point.  If I am lucky enough to actually get pregnant with these more painful and more expensive methods, I don’t have any better odds of actually keeping the pregnancy.   But there is the hope of learning something.  All for the sake of education.  Perhaps from doing this process I will learn what is up with my eggs and our embryos as we follow them along.  Before I can get to that point I need to learn how my body reacts to the IVF drug process.   The big baby in me just feels like this is all adding insult to injury.  Like somehow I’ve suffered enough and have in some way earned something with 4 losses that gets me out of having to start a whole new type of painful process.

I have a lot of fears about all this.  What if the results are the same?  I was able to get pregnant the last four times the “natural” way with good old fashioned sex.  I grieve losing that and also question why we’d change what was working.  The ONE thing that was working.    I fear all this medical intervention won’t work and it will be for nothing.  I suspect I am not alone in fearing that I am torturing myself for nothing.

My rational side says “Who cares?  The last 4 times didn’t REALLY work.  Why not try something different?  Being afraid to try new things is NOT helping.  You can do it!  Go for it!…”

For now my rational and irrational sides are just battling it out.  When I see the needles in class tomorrow and we start talking steps I can at least see what I am getting into.

Has anyone else dealt with the fear of injections?  Any advice for how to cope?  Any happy stories of how it helped?


3 Responses to “Grrr… double negative”

  1. Nicole May 31, 2011 at 10:18 am #

    I freaked out too in the beginning, I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it myself. In the end the needle is so small that you barely feel it. Now there are the IM shots and those needles are bigger but by the time you get to those shots you’ve poked yourself so much it’s just another needle. I did have to have hubby give me those big ones though. I don’t know what to tell you about how to cope with it, I just kept telling myself just DO IT already, and then stabbed my stomach!! In the end it was totally worth it because I got my princess from it. Have you read it’s a great blog with a ton of information

  2. Mrs. Brightside June 1, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

    Unfortunately I got nothin’ in terms of advice with the injections, but I can totally relate to all of your fears. I just don’t know either, I think about this for us, and I feel like we should be doing something different, but will it just lead to us failing more spectacularly somehow. Blech. I will be cheering you on in this new step. I really truly hopes it brings you closer to… something. Ideally yes a baby, but at least information. At least SOMETHING for it all.

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