Thank you!

23 Jun

First of all, thank you guys SO MUCH for your thoughtful comments and messages.  It really does mean a lot to have a place to voice these things in complete honesty and be understood.  It felt like a wave of virtually hugs, really.

I feel a lot better just one day later.  One thing that helped was just getting out of the house and being around people. One of the things I LOVE about my job is that I get to work from home.  As you can imagine this is wonderful when you need to go to Dr.’s appointments and make calls or do other personal things that would be awkward in the workplace.  The negative side is that it can be really easy to feel lonely and isolated and just stew in your own misery, which is pretty much how I spent yesterday afternoon.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it was actually some healthy stewing.  I didn’t answer the phone and I just napped and watched a super depressing movie on Netflix.  After that  I heard some inspiring (and tear-jerking) stories from The Moth Podcast while driving in the car. (Note: The Moth is an AMAZING free podcast on iTunes in which speakers present personal stories in front of a live audience without notes.  Each story is only 20 minutes or less, perfect for car trips).

While it was good to marinate for a bit, getting out of the house last night and today helped snapped me back to a healthier mental state.   I went to book club last night and mostly just listened as I wasn’t up for saying much.  I didn’t have to talk, just being there felt better than being alone.  Then today I had a long lunch with a friend and her 3-month old baby.  Because of the news yesterday I was considering cancelling.  Being around a peer with her cute baby sounded like a recipe for triggering all sorts of emotions.  I expected to go home in tears but instead felt really good.

The thought of having a fifth loss made me feel incredibly isolated and freakish.  By spending time with her I just felt a lot more accepted, included and even “normal”, which is exactly what I needed.   I even liked holding her little one when she had to run to the restroom.  While it was a small victory (and nothing compared to a full-on baby shower), it felt good to be able to be in the mommy-world without being filled with jealousy and feelings of exclusion and pain.

When I did tell her about the pregnancy she was very understanding and didn’t trivialize my situation or throw out the usual advice like, “why don’t you just adopt?” etc.  She can’t really get what I am going through the way my fellow bloggers do, but it still counted.

Thank you guys again for your supportive comments.  When things are looking bad it’s easy to feel really alone and freakish.  You guys really help keep me sane.

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