Waiting for ultrasound #3

29 Jun

It is getting down to the wire now.  Tomorrow morning at 9:45 AM I have my third u/s.  Which way will it go?

  • Option A: No heartbeat = Game over (schedule D & C)
  • Option B: Still going, but weak = Wait and See, come back in a few days.
  • Option C: Everything is going to turn out fine!
    This last option is a completely made up one as it doesn’t exist until you are at least 12 weeks along, so no hope for hearing this tomorrow.

Before getting my verdict I just want to say that this has been my best pregnancy experience so far.  It all happened really fast and it included the first (and only) normal u/s I’ve ever had.  In addition it really felt like a gift.  I had accepted that we would move on to injectibles for the month, and dragged myself to it full of anxiety.  That late BFP (after three BFNs) felt like a get out of jail free card.  For a while I thought maybe this will be the ONE and I can actually avoid all this (how lucky would that be)!  It was a pretty awesome feeling and combined with the positive u/s gave me the most feeling of hope that recharged me for the whole month.

In addition I’ve opened up to a lot of people about this pregnancy this time.  Usually I follow the cardinal rule of saying nothing and lying low until I hear something definitive.  This time it felt like, why wait?  These few weeks of pregnancy may be all I get!  After the second u/s I could tell time was ticking and things were likely to go south.  Bringing people into my experience while I am still pregnant felt better to me than waiting.  Because of this I have family and friends hoping for me and able to connect.  Exposing myself felt so much better than my usual approach which was to hide in fear and shame waiting until the mythical 12 week mark to say anything to anyone.    After tomorrow we’ll see if I am still happy I went this route.  I swore after my first loss that I would tell almost noone about anymore pregnancies because I was SO upset having to report back about the loss, embarrassed even, as if somehow I’d been too confident and foolish for sharing.  With four pregnancy losses behind me, noone I’ve told is going to be totally shocked if I lose yet another, so it feels like less of a risk and more of a request for support at a time when I typically feel the most vulnerable.

If it is indeed a confirmed loss I expect to go through another silent period managing my feelings of being a total freak.  While pregnant I feel so normal.  After a loss, I feel like I’m contagious and want to keep my gloom and sarcasm and general negative attitude away from those I care about to avoid potentially burning anymore bridges.  With the exception of the elite group of ladies (like you) who are on this hell road of infertility and pregnancy loss, most people just don’t know what to say and act really weird when you report you’ve had a loss, or worse, start playing problem solver suggesting that I sign up for adoption or hire a surrogate.

If I do lose this one I REALLY hope to get some information in the test this time.  It is ridiculous that only one test on my lost pregnancies came back with any real information.  The first two don’t “count” and so they weren’t tested and the last one was normal female, aka probably ME and not the pregnancy.  Either way, I do want to try IVF and so am planning on ramping up on the injectibles (the ones already sitting in my vegetable drawer).  If we learn my eggs are crap I want to try egg donor, or even donor embryo.

On a totally different note, last weekend was our seventh wedding anniversary.  Despite the weight of all this I was able to really enjoy it.  We stayed at Cavallo Point in Sausalito, ate at their excellent restaurant Murray Circle and the next morning hiked the Golden Gate bridge in both directions.  It was a really relaxing getaway.

Me on the Golden Gate getting some "safe" exercise- a two hour walk.

Cavallo Point, Historic homes by the Golden Gate (former US Navy), Amazing location!Dessert at Murray Circle. Despite having to skip the wine and the local fresh cheeses, it was an amazing dinner and a lovely way to celebrate.

Dessert at Murray Circle. Despite having to skip the wine and the local fresh cheeses, it was an amazing dinner


5 Responses to “Waiting for ultrasound #3”

  1. tasivfer June 29, 2011 at 6:56 pm #

    I’m crossing everything that can be crossed that the scan goes well tomorrow. I hope you can get some sleep tonight!

  2. jjiraffe June 29, 2011 at 7:07 pm #

    I’m wishing you lots of luck. I always wanted to eat at Cavallo Point! I always wanted to go there. The dessert looks amazing.

  3. Misfit Mrs. June 29, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

    I have been eyeing cavallo pt. for a nice romantic weekend. You look grat and happy. Both things I want to continue through tomorrow. I’ll ping you offline with the lab they used in case south is the direction tomorrow. I am hoping for that miracle, still.

    I think you did a good thing by telling. It’s a good thing to let people care for you during the good and bad. I am with you tomorrow in spirit all around.

  4. Amy June 30, 2011 at 5:56 am #

    Looks yummy! I hope this morning goes well – we’re hoping for you, but we’re here for you no matter how it turns out. I want to say keep us posted, though I know you will. Thinking of you….

  5. missohkay June 30, 2011 at 10:29 am #

    You’ve probably had your appointment by now, but I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you.

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