Game Over

30 Jun

Our third ultrasound showed more growth but a slower heartbeat (less than 90).  So even though it’s still alive in there, my RE expects it is not going to make it and recommended we call it, rather than do another wait and see.  I scheduled the D& C.  Her next available time for a  D&C is next Wednesday, almost a whole week out.  I was hoping we could do something sooner, but I am coming up on a long weekend and that’s just the way it is.

This time we are doing slightly different testing afterwards.  It is actually PGD testing, the same thing many people do at the front end when they are choosing an embryo to implant for IVF.  The hope is that it can provide more information and the odds are better that the test can identify the difference between my cells and the pregnancy cells (unlike last time when my cells dominated).

I know I was optimistic about doing next steps, but now I am just thinking that babies aren’t coming out of my body or from my eggs.  I have little hope in either.  It would be nice to have some confirmation of something working, but at this point all I know is that my body doesn’t want to carry past 8 weeks.  I was excited to try IVF, but there’s a part of me that feels like it’s a giant waste because it requires my eggs and uterus to play a role and they seem to just fuck up everything.  We are definitely completely giving up the old school bedroom trying.  That just seems like a recipe for more disappointment.   For now I think I am going to just fantasize about storks.  Maybe I have better luck with those.

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29 Responses to “Game Over”

  1. SJ June 30, 2011 at 12:45 pm #

    I am so, so sorry. I wish I had the magic words, but I just don’t. I know how much this sucks and hope your friends and family give you the comfort you need – and the testing provides some answers.

  2. Mo June 30, 2011 at 1:50 pm #

    Oh honey I’m so incredibly sorry to hear this! I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. I really hope the tests give you some answers. Thinking of you and here if you need me. Huge hugs!

  3. Hope June 30, 2011 at 2:45 pm #

    I am so, so sorry. (((Hugs))). I hope you get some helpful answers from the testing.

  4. Misfit June 30, 2011 at 7:53 pm #

    I can’t believe that you can have this as an outcome. I am so sorry. This is too much for one person. My thoughts were with you today and I wished that you had some news to give you hope. Storks indeed. Maybe we should try that together.

  5. tasivfer June 30, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

    Oh I’m so, so sorry!! ((HUGS))

  6. Brave IVF Girl June 30, 2011 at 10:53 pm #

    I’m so very sorry.

    I’m here from Misfits’ blog so forgive me if you’ve covered this in previous posts: have you investigated immune stuff? I recently found out I have alloimmune issues (partial match with my husband = 50% of embryos will be rejected by my body – a full match would mean all embryos get rejected).

    Now subscribing to your blog so I’ll catch up on your story.

    You’re in my thoughts.

  7. Andie July 1, 2011 at 1:38 am #

    I’m so very sorry. Thinking of you.

  8. The Chronicles Of Toby July 1, 2011 at 3:28 am #

    Here from Misfit Mrs… I’m sorry that you have to go through this again 😦 Sending sticky sticky vibes and a quick, healthy BFP to come… x

  9. missohkay July 1, 2011 at 4:09 am #

    Ugh, not what I was hoping to see today. I’m so, so sorry. ❤

  10. EWO July 1, 2011 at 5:01 am #

    I just came across your blog yesterday, and was so, so sad to see this news today. I started TTC one year ago and have lost 3 so far – it sucks, and believe me I KNOW there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. Thinking of you with much hope in my heart.
    x

  11. Amy July 1, 2011 at 6:13 am #

    I’m so sorry. I hope they’ll offer you one more u/s if you want it to be sure before heading to the D&C, but hopefully the PGD testing will offer you some answers and a clearer path forward. It’s a shitty consolation prize…I’m just so sorry.

  12. jo July 1, 2011 at 6:47 am #

    Oh, honey. This is so unfair, and I am so, so sorry.

  13. Port of Indecision July 1, 2011 at 7:24 am #

    I am so, so sorry. It’s both a blessing and a curse to have earned the RPL right to go ahead and call it instead of playing the wait and see game. I hope the testing can bring you answers.

  14. Louisa July 1, 2011 at 8:13 am #

    Here from Misfits blog, I am so very sorry you are going through this as someone who has had a m/c I think seeing a heartbeat adds an extra level of pain when things don’t work out. I hope the testing gives you some answers.

  15. flmgodog July 1, 2011 at 9:50 am #

    Here from Misfits blog…RPL sucks!!! I am so sorry to hear this is happening again to you. I hope you get some answers however I fear you won’t. I too have been through MANY losses (7) most recent loss at 20 weeks in Feb.
    I really hope they can find something and help you. Will continue checking in on you.

  16. Augusta July 1, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    I’ve stopped by your blog often and never left a comment. I apologize for my lurking, but I want to say today that I am very sad to read your rotten, tragic news. I really happy that you were pregnant again and hoping that this was going to be your way to a baby. I’m so sorry that this wee one didn’t make it. I will keep you in my thoughts, hoping that things go well on Wednesday and that you get some answers.

  17. Alex July 1, 2011 at 11:16 am #

    Here from Misfits. I’m so sorry for you loss – yet again. This sucks…

  18. Kristen July 2, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

    Hi,
    I am so very, very sorry this is happening. Awful. Sending a ton of virtual hugs your way…

  19. bunny July 3, 2011 at 5:53 am #

    I’ve also stopped by quietly before, and was so hoping this would go another way. I’m deeply sorry.

  20. Searching July 3, 2011 at 9:39 pm #

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. 😦 Will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.

  21. eep6 July 4, 2011 at 4:42 am #

    Oh no, I’m so sorry. So very sad for you.
    (here via lfca)

  22. bodegabliss July 4, 2011 at 8:26 am #

    Call me whenever you need to, I’m here. I’ll drive down in a minute as well, just say the word. We can go through this together.

    I’m thinking about you. Xoxo

  23. Katie July 5, 2011 at 8:35 am #

    I am so, so sorry. Unfair. Just completely and totally unfair.

    Sending you so much love and keeping you in my thoughts. xo

  24. Another Dreamer July 6, 2011 at 10:07 am #

    I am so sorry 😦

  25. Mo July 7, 2011 at 3:41 pm #

    I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. Thinking of you.

    Mo

  26. eggsinarow July 8, 2011 at 9:08 am #

    Oh, I wish I had something that could take away the pain…I’m so sorry.

  27. Rae July 9, 2011 at 1:32 am #

    I’m here from LFCA, sending you love and support. So sorry you’re going through this.

  28. tearsandtantrums July 13, 2011 at 6:18 am #

    Stopping by from LFCA. So sorry about this loss. Life just isn’t fair. Be gentle and take care of yourself.

  29. Kelly July 13, 2011 at 6:57 am #

    Stopping by from LFCA. I’m so sorry about your loss. RPL is just such a sucker punch that robs us from so much. It’s just so unfair.

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