Last pregnant night

5 Jul

I am scheduled for my D & C tomorrow and having a late night dinner to fill up before the midnight food/drink cut off (to comply with the rules for anesthesia).  I made a last  minute appointment for an ultrasound for tomorrow because I just want to see it one last time before saying “good bye”.  A whole week has passed since we made the decision to give up on it and I know how things can change in a week.  While I don’t expect a miraculous turnaround I am interested in seeing if it continued to shrink, if the heartbeat stopped, etc.  Knowing that it still had a heart beat (slow, below 90) makes me feel like it’s still kind of alive and it would just feel better to get one more data point confirming that it really is on the decline before we end it ourselves.  I know the extra ultrasound is totally just for my own desire for closure and not medically significant at this point, but I am really glad we are doing it.  My ultrasound is scheduled for 11:45 AM tomorrow and the D & C is scheduled for  2PM.  It’s going to be a hard day, but I think it will ultimately help me process the loss and ultimately move out of the “losing, dwelling and moping” stage and into the “it’s over and behind me” stage.

One thing that really helped me get out of my funk waiting for this all to end was attending my first “third party option” support group.  Unlike other groups I’ve joined that focused on infertility and/or repeat loss, this one was dedicated to people thinking about and actively pursuing third party options like egg donor, sperm donor, surrogacy and adoption.  Most of the group was pursuing egg donor, but there was a little of everything represented.  I am on the fence about our next steps because RPL for (and for most) is unexplained.  I feel like I am blindly trying again and again just hoping something works.  I am getting consistent results- losses at 7-9 weeks.  All 5 ended around the same time and I don’t know what is killing them- maybe it is my body (some think it could be immune system related), or maybe i just have bad eggs to begin with (my one conclusive test showed a chromosomal abnormality) or maybe there is some physical issue with my cervix, my blood, who knows.  For this reason I am really interested in learning more about egg donor and surrogacy options.  Even embryo adoption sounds encouraging.  Would I have more luck if the embryo wasn’t ours?  Would our embryo’s do better in a different carrier?  Unfortunately the answer to all of these questions seems to be trial and error and MORE time and MORE waiting.

Even though it seems childish in addition to all of these things, I am feeling my impatience driving this as well.  My birthday is in two weeks and I find myself wanting to cry because I am STILL on this path.  I cried at my last birthday and I had only had 2 losses then.  I’ve upped that to 5 in just one year and my hope level has dropped with each pregnancy I lost and each birthday I face.  Add to the mix I am still pregnant and probably slightly mad with pregnancy hormones.   My head is just spinning right now.  I tend to feel rebooted after a D & C so I expect to feel a lot calmer tomorrow afternoon after it is over.


8 Responses to “Last pregnant night”

  1. Mo July 6, 2011 at 1:58 am #

    Sending you huge hugs! I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. I totally understand your impatience, I feel the same way. With every loss, I somehow feel closer yet farther away from what I want. Does that make sense? You are so strong, I know you’ll be ok, no matter what decision you make. Much love to you!

  2. Amy-Lynn July 6, 2011 at 5:58 am #

    Thinking of you while you endure this day

  3. Another Dreamer July 6, 2011 at 10:11 am #

    I would have wanted another u/s too. (*hugs*) Will be thinking of you, and so sorry you’re going through this.

  4. Foxypopcorn July 6, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    What a day. I sit here wishing that there were words, but i just don’t think that there are any. please know that you are close in my heart.

  5. SJ July 6, 2011 at 3:07 pm #

    I’m so sorry that you have to go through this — that any of us KNOW what we tend to feel like after a D&C is just horrible. But I do understand. I’ll be thinking of you.

  6. missohkay July 6, 2011 at 5:31 pm #

    Thinking of you. Hope everything went okay today. Huge hugs to you and mrstarfishkitty.

  7. bodegabliss July 7, 2011 at 12:50 pm #

    I’m thinking about you.

  8. caragh87 July 13, 2011 at 11:43 pm #

    There is a blog I read and the mum had consistently lost pregnancies later at around the same time as you and later.

    They did 8 IVF’s and 2 or 3 were with donor eggs.

    They then found out she had a pretty intense gluten intolerance and it was affecting her body because she wasn’t getting everything she needed.. and it was causing her to lose the babies, and i think produce bad eggs.

    They then went on to have healthy B/G twins with her eggs and a GS.

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