Back East

29 Nov

For Thanksgiving Mr. Star and I went back to Maine to be with my parents and siblings in Portland.  I had to tear myself away at the end because I miss them painfully.  I spent a lot of the flight just torturing myself with thoughts of what a mistake it was for me to come out to the West Coast almost twelve years ago.  Total regret.  I moved here to go to get a Masters in Education back in 1999 thinking it was a short term way to experience life in the West.  In some ways it was also a way for me to run away from my problems at at the time, close the door on some bad relationships and start over.  I always thought I would move back.  But here I am feeling like I am on an island a million miles away from the family and friends who really “know” me.  

What keeps me here is my marriage with Mr. Star.  He loves it here more than anywhere in the world and he is still the love of my life.  However, if he went away for any reason, I’d be moving back East in a heartbeat.  I just find myself longing for the familiar and to be understood and connected.  I spend way too much time feeling lonely and isolated.  When things get me down I tend to withdraw myself and move away.  Even though I’ve lived here for twelve years I still feel like home is back East and I struggle to feel “settled”.  When I hear people talk about living near family and being near where they grew up I get so jealous.  It is just one of many things I wish I could change about my life right now.



5 Responses to “Back East”

  1. bodegabliss November 30, 2011 at 8:56 am #

    I could have written every single word on this post. That is exactly how I feel, 100%. I had also only planned to live here for a year or two, but I met Tim. I’m try and talk myself out of escaping to there every day. I miss it with every ounce of my body. Sometimes I have no idea what I was thinking coming out here, but I left for the same reason…I was closing the door on a bad relationship. It helps to know I’m not alone in this.

    • bodegabliss November 30, 2011 at 8:56 am #

      Also, I’m really jealous you were in Maine for Thanksgiving! 😉 Did you see my soul floating around? Because that’s where it remains.

      • starfishkittydreams November 30, 2011 at 4:32 pm #

        I think of you each time I go back. We are in the same boat on this one. Going back East is such an escape from all my problems here which makes it all the more attractive.

  2. Jesica November 30, 2011 at 11:38 am #

    I’m completely opposite but I hear you. I’m from Oregon and moved to NYC 7 years ago and just moved back to the West Coast because my husband LOVES SF but my heart is back in NYC and I would move back there in a second if things were different. I’m closer to my family over here, but feel much more alone and isolated.

    • starfishkittydreams November 30, 2011 at 4:41 pm #

      I am actually in the SF Bay Area too! If you ever want to grab coffee and talk with someone who “gets it” just email me!

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