Alone in Happy Land

24 Jan

We just came back from a weekend away from friends at Lake Tahoe.  It was both wonderful and really hard.  As the only couple without kids I struggled as they joyfully introduced their kids to snow and happily snapped photos of them in their extremely cute snow suits.  Meanwhile none of them know what we are going through for the past four years trying to start a family.  Since they’ve had kids we’ve kind of moved apart and stopped talking about real problems.  While it is great that they want to be so positive all the time and their lives seem to be zipping along nicely, it makes me feel completely isolated.  My choice is to paste on the smile and join the happiness or be alone.  It seems clear that if/when our story ever changes that they would be supportive and happy for us, but when it comes to pain and grief, we are expected to just deal with that on our own.  At this time I feel like I need supportive friends more than ever, and instead I find myself feeling bitter that I have to bottle myself up until I have good news.  Anyone relate?

Note- We are crossing our fingers again this month after 2 negative cycles.  Hoping this month (our last month of trying naturally) finally leads to a BFP!


10 Responses to “Alone in Happy Land”

  1. bodegabliss January 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    You’re not alone in happy land. I’m right there next to you, you just can’t see me because I’m all the way up here.

    (And I really am here if you need me).

  2. missohkay January 24, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

    Fingers crossed for you this month.

  3. Hope January 24, 2012 at 8:46 pm #

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you this month.

    And I’m sorry the weekend was so bittersweet. (((Hugs)))

  4. Misfit Mrs. January 25, 2012 at 4:38 am #

    Being isolated until you have good news, yes. Completely. I am sorry that your friends don’t know about this part. It’s gut wrenching to be on the outside looking in for the whole weekend. I am sending good vibes for this cycle being a lucky third.

  5. SJ January 25, 2012 at 5:02 am #

    I think I could have written this post myself – but not as well. I have the worst time with my family – we haven’t told them about all of this, and watching them with their kids,and my parents with their grandkids, and listening to the comments about us not having kids…. brutal.
    Crossing my fingers for you!

  6. Mo January 25, 2012 at 8:54 am #

    Sending a huge hug and hoping this is your month!

  7. Port of Indecision January 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

    For sure.

    It may be trite, but it’s true – people who’ve never been there just.don’ It’s awkward, they don’t know what to say, and they don’t get why they should have to say anything. Which is particularly fascinating, considering that just like you said, they will react with uncensored glee when and if you finally join their club.

  8. mrs. brightside January 26, 2012 at 8:41 pm #

    TOTALLY relate. Putting on the happy face gets old, and way tiring. But what else can you do, be a total debbie downer at every social gathering? But you know who doesn’t mind when I’m in a bad mood? My TiVo. Doesn’t take a genius to know who I spend more time with lately.

  9. mrs. brightside January 26, 2012 at 8:44 pm #

    p.s. I forgot to say, good luck this month! Hoping it’s the one. At long last.

  10. Kristin January 27, 2012 at 7:52 pm #

    What you wrote makes complete & total sense. It sucks because we are alone in our personal lives, but have so many others with us in our internet lives. (As for the trip, I would’ve been in the bar getting bombed, but that’s just me.) At almost 44, all of our friends that are going to have kids are now raising them while we’ve just hung out, being happy for them and dying inside. Then they have lovely remarks such as, “You don’t really want THIS, do you?” and “You know, looking back I would’ve been okay without kids.” Then I head back to the bar . . .

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