Slightly more pregnant

7 May

My HCG is now a whopping 36!  Up from 18 two days ago.  While it may be a stretch, I am officially calling this pregnancy #6.  Given the super low beta, it has the most unpromising start of them all.  I test again in two days.

For comparison I checked out my past first Betas, which considering my current situation seem quite impressive.

  1. 155902 (Feb 2008)
  2. 139 (April 2009)
  3. 1709 (August 2010)
  4. 517 (January 2011)
  5. 625 (June 2011)
  6. 18 (two days ago)

I know numbers don’t mean everything, but I had taken some comfort in them in the past.  Even though I know nothing is for sure, I was able to feel somewhat celebratory in the past at least for the brief periods while I was pregnant and before the ultrasounds started.  This time I feel like I am grieving the loss at the same time that I am still taking all the steps as if we were pregnant.

The worst of these steps  is the dreaded nightly progesterone injections.  In addition to being painful I seriously think the hormones are making me unnecessarily moody.  These days I have only two moods: angry or sad.  At their worst they fluctuate from rage to depression.  It feels like its been years since I felt true joy or happiness.  While I know rationally this isn’t true, it just shows how skewed my perspective has become.   Is it the drugs?  Is it my circumstances?  Maybe a combo of both.  The reason I blame the drugs is because the last time I remember feeling positive was right before I started taking them.  It was right after the transfer when I knew there were 10 embryos and I started believing that maybe this is going to work, maybe this time things would work out differently.  When I learned that 8 were gone and we had only 2 to implant I just took a nosedive and really haven’t quite made it back up since.  It was right after that that I started the progesterone overload.  I am taking it 4 ways- 1 injection, 1 oral, 2 suppositories.  It seriously feels like overkill, but my Dr. confirmed that he wants me to keep it up as long as things are progressing, even if the progress is at a snail’s pace like mine.

So in short, I am pregnant, but unable to have optimism.  It just feels all too familiar like those ambiguous ultrasounds of the past where I was told to come back in two days because things didn’t look right.  There are cases where things turned around, so we now have to hope we are one of those.  Give my track record it’s too hard to have hope unless everything looks on track or better.  One slip and I assume it’s just a sign that things are about to go south.


11 Responses to “Slightly more pregnant”

  1. Amy May 7, 2012 at 5:00 pm #

    Yowza, that is a LOT of progesterone! I’m sure it isn’t helping the emotional roller coaster, but it can only help the pregnancy. I think it is almost impossible to feel actual optimism at this point – a little hope every now and then, maybe, but I know what you mean…it’s just too scary in these early days after having lived RPL hell. For now I will hope on your behalf that your perfectly doubled beta is a sign of a perfect pregnancy to come – it is a great first step! But I felt exactly the same while in the nothing-to-do-but-wait-and-see time frame, back and forth between soooooo sad and soooooo angry, all the time. Normal, normal, normal. Hang in there, we are rooting for you!!

  2. Misfit Mrs. May 7, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

    I have read that with IVF early betas can be low. I am going to hope for more normal progress. Just making it to the next blood draw is enough for now. Be kind to yourself and to your history here. It’s a lot even without the ‘roid rage. Progesterone made me angry and bitchy. With you mega dosing, I can’t imagine it helping your mental health. Hang in there. This is a small bit of good news worthy of some tiny hope.

  3. Hope May 7, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    I really hope that this pregnancy progresses. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with hormonal moodiness and beta uncertainty. Thinking of you.

  4. Jo. May 7, 2012 at 6:39 pm #

    Fuck. I hate the waiting game. Hoping you can beat the odds.

  5. starfishkittydreams May 7, 2012 at 9:02 pm #

    Thank you guys! It really helps to hear from others who’ve been there and know the waiting game. Thanks for reminding me everything is ok. One way or the other this thing is going to take its course.

  6. missohkay May 8, 2012 at 5:02 am #

    Hugs and positive thoughts.

  7. Jesica May 8, 2012 at 9:13 am #

    Hoping and praying that this is a case of numbers not meaning shit but I completely understand your inability to get excited about it. Just more waiting but I’ll keep hoping for you!

  8. bodegabliss May 8, 2012 at 9:27 am #

    Where exactly are you in your days after transfer? Have all of the betas been around the same time in your pregnancies? I’m going to keep holding onto hope for you…I feel like it’s still early…and it’s nice to hear others say that they can be low with IVFs! And I’m sorry about the anger and sadness, that can’t be any fun on top of all the other emotions you’re already feeling. Enough is enough. You deserve complete happiness!!

    • starfishkittydreams May 9, 2012 at 8:14 pm #

      Thank you so much. I’ve been thinking of you. As of today I am exactly 14 days after transfer. My retrieval was 5 days earlier.

  9. Trisha May 8, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

    I’m gonna hold on hope for you because doubling is doubling. Hang in there, you’ve got a lot of people hoping for you.

  10. Mo May 8, 2012 at 5:18 pm #

    Urgh. I wish you had something more concrete to hold on to.
    Crossing fingers, toes, and eyes that this is just a slow starter and everything will be awesome!

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