Hang in there

22 May

It’s been quite a week.  Today would have been our first ultrasound.  I knew it wasn’t going to happen even when we scheduled it.  It still hurts to see the appointment come and go.  I am officially un-pregnant as my hcg is now under 2.  The good news is, that’s the last needle poke for a while.

The next question is why?  As usual, we have no explanation.  These things tend to be physical, chromosomal, or possibly immunological.  Because we did CHG, we already know the two that were implanted were considered chromosomally normal.  I was hoping to get some information from the immunology Dr. showing that it was an immune issue.  Their tests came back and showed that no, there were no immune causes.  We tested during the pregnancy and found that my immune system was responding fine with everything coming back as normal or slightly elevated.  So there goes that theory.

My new theory is that my unexplained repeat pregnancy losses all have one thing in common:  me.  Since I can’t pinpoint any specific cause, not even a specific body part or system that is causing this I am really left to just blame myself-  me as a person or my behaviors.  Maybe I should have grilled that burger longer… maybe I should have not been weeding so much…  Maybe I should have just given up a long time ago and started the adoption process.  By blaming myself it is almost easier to accept than to just think the world is a random scary place where unfair unexplained things can happen to anyone at any moment, or in my case, repeatedly happening to the same person again and again. Self-blame naturally leads me to feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment which results in me wanting to just isolate myself from the world and hide.  Each time I get the question “how are you?” I force myself to smile and say “great” when I really just want to tell the truth, but I can’t, at least not to most people.  Since I can’t tell the truth to most people it just takes so much energy to hide the truth and act happy that I prefer to hide at home alone.

The secret keeping and isolation that comes along with RPL is almost as bad as the RPL.  I feel like all my friends just had babies and jumped on a boat and left me abandoned on a deserted island.  I can see their happy status updates on Facebook and we see each other at BBQ’s with their little ones, but they seem miles away.  I feel like I have only 2 choices : be alone or be with friends and feel awkward.  When I stay away from them I feel even more guilty that now I am pushing them away.  I am to blame for my own isolation.    I am not sure what to do.  When we all get together with the kids I am just miserable. I feel like a giant spotlight is on me and my failure to have a baby.  Now that all of our friends (even the gay ones) have at least one baby it’s all they want to talk about and I feel totally awkward around them.  It’s just embarrassing to be there when they all start talking about being parents.  I hate being so lonely, but I hate these awkward social interactions even more. I want so badly to have good news and be able to rejoin my friends, but instead I just feel ashamed and embarrassed that we are still at square one 4 and half years later.  Actually it isn’t even square one, it’s more like negative six.


Here is some interesting information about the Hang in There Cat-

The image, of a tiny kitten hanging off a tree branch (or rope in the case above) with the words “Hang In There” has been around since the early 1970s. Many have tried to reproduce the original’s genius, while others, such as The Simpsons, have parodied the motivational poster. In ”The Twisted World of Marge Simpson” Marge sees the poster’s 1968 copyright date and says, “…determined or not, that cat must be long dead. That’s kind of a downer.”

One of the cats from the posters passed away last October, to which singer John Mayer tweeted, “That cat from the “hang in there” poster just died. Makes a man just wanna give up.”


11 Responses to “Hang in there”

  1. traathy May 22, 2012 at 10:19 pm #

    I was only at negative 4 but everything you wrote in that last paragraph was exactly how I felt as my husband and I were walking around New York last year on our dream vacation as I was miscarrying #4. At some point during that day, I was just like – screw it, this biology thing is total bullshit (apologies for the profanity) and I had enough. My body, mind and spirit were broken and that was the moment where everything shifted because I was not going to live like that anymore.

    When it’s enough, you will know with all your heart and move in a direction with full force that will have a happy ending in whatever way you and your husband choose to move towards. Thinking of you.

    • starfishkittydreams May 23, 2012 at 11:53 am #

      I am so sorry for your losses. I was caught by your use of the word “only” in front of 4. Even one is too many to go through. I am so sorry you had to experience that.
      Your words helped a lot. I see you moved on to adoption, something my husband still isn’t on board with but I am starting to really think is our only realistic route for success. Take care.

      • traathy May 25, 2012 at 11:35 am #

        Husbands are funny like that. It took a long time for my husband to get on board too. There’s a lot of uncertainty around it and what it could look like depending on if you do international or domestic.

        I totally don’t want to be a jerk and be like “just adopt” because trust me adoption has it’s own stresses and hoops to jump through but for us it was the only way I was going to be a mom and I was hell bent on it not taking ten years, a broken marriage, spirit, and body to do so.

  2. Mo May 23, 2012 at 4:30 am #

    What can I say? I relate to every single word. I feel like a constant train wreck in progress around my friends. So much so that it just gets easier to stay away. i’m so sorry you are feeling this way.
    Sending lots of love!

    • starfishkittydreams May 23, 2012 at 11:55 am #

      I hate to think that you (or anyone else) is going through anything similar. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I am thinking of you.

  3. EWO May 23, 2012 at 5:34 am #

    I haven’t been in this game as long as you have (only 2 years) and I haven’t lost quite as many pregnancies, but I *so* get it. I’m “young” (this is what all my doctors tell me, I’ll be 31 next month) so I am encouraged to persist with natural conception. I too avoid cookouts and parties unless it’s a family obligation. I’ve been very open about my losses so nearly everyone knows not to ask when I’ll have a baby, but it still sucks to be surrounded by all these oops babies and complaining parents and diaper talk. Like you, I still feel so, so guilty, especially because my husband already has a kid from a previous relationship.
    After my last loss, I just felt a switch flip. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m going to lose my marriage and my sanity if I keep trying. As traathy said, it will end. We’re now in the process of international adoption and my whole outlook has changed (don’t worry I’m not being one of those douchecanoes that says, “Why don’t you just adopt?” It was simply the right move for us in our situation. It is the way my infertility ends.) We’re on our way to a happy ending, just not the way I thought I would get there. But for the first time since I hear “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat” two years ago, I am genuinely smiling and laughing again. Somehow, it will end, and it will be okay.

    • starfishkittydreams May 23, 2012 at 11:57 am #

      First of all 2 years IS a long time, and I really don’t want to minimize other people’s pain by dragging out my tenure on this journey. Two years of this is hell.
      Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story. I think I too would feel a lot better if I could get to the adoption stage. It seems like the only logical next step at this point.

  4. bodegabliss May 23, 2012 at 10:06 am #

    I know exactly how you feel….and I hate that you’re having to feel this way again. I wish I could change it all for you, make it not the reality. It’s tough when there are no answers. I still wish it hadn’t of just been my body for my four losses…but it was. I do hope you are eventually able to find some compassion for yourself and what you have been through, and for your body. But I know it took a long time for me to get there. And I find myself wanting to say it’s not your fault…but I know exactly how I felt every time someone said that to me…because essentially, how was it NOT my fault? And yet I still want to say that to you.

    I just wish I could take away your pain, and make it easier. But I can’t and I know it’s not easy. Even thought I’m pregnant, I still feel like I don’t fit in any where. That hasn’t gone away. I’m still different from all the other pregnant women out there and those that have babies (unless, of course, they know what this feels like). Maybe that never goes away. I’m still avoiding social situations and I can’t see that going away any time soon. There’s just been too much that has happened to me that makes me different from them. And just like you said, I’d rather miss out than deal with the awkwardness.

    Traathy hit it right on the head. I know you’ll have your happy ending one way or another, and until then, I’m sending all my love and support your way.

    • starfishkittydreams May 23, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

      Thank you, Courtney for reminding me I am not alone and checking in on me. I am thinking of you and hoping each day for more good news. You deserve a happy ending to all of this.

  5. Hope May 23, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

    Thinking of you.

  6. Misfit Mrs. May 24, 2012 at 5:26 am #

    I wish I was still local to whisk you off for long talks again. This was far too much this time. I felt very much after losing 7 that I was facing the end of the hope of our own baby. We did isolate ourselves from friends and felt hopeless and alone. I wish that I could bring out the crystal ball for you and everyone else in this RPL shithole and definitively pronounce happy endings. But, it is cruel enough to carry on and awful to also give up. There are no easy choices here. I’m just so sorry you lost those boys. It’s beyond unfair.

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