I wish i was a seahorse

2 Jun

We had our follow up consultation with the IVF doc yesterday.  I left the fall feeling crest fallen.  He advised that given our history that it wasn’t worth it to try again.  He thought it would be a waste of time.  Instead he recommended that our best shot at biological children was with a gestational carrier.  He confirmed what we thought all along.  There is something wrong with me that we currently have no treatment for.

The alternative to the gestational carrier would be to try IVF with an egg donor.  From there Mr. Star and I debated the pros and cons of each.  Since it sounds like our embryos are fine (as far as we know) the gestational carrier makes the most sense.  Also I think in the long term, having the biology will outweigh the carrying/giving birth connection.  At this point I think my embryos would be safest in anyone other than me.  Hell, I think even Snookie could be a good surrogate at this point.

While I had suspicions of this all along I also had deluded fantasies that if we just kept trying one of these days something would work.  Even now I have fantasies that we will get pregnant naturally and magically have a healthy full term baby.  I’d heard so many anecdotal stories that ended with this.  Why couldn’t that happen to us?  The statistics seemed to be on our side, at least in the beginning.  70% of women who have had 3 losses go on and have a healthy pregnancy.  Remember that?  Once it gets to 6 losses the odds are down to only 40%.  So after 10 are your chances only 0%?  Maybe statistics in this case are not very helpful, or even applicable.  The statistical odds of having 6 miscarriages are so low that I don’t think anyone can really explain what someone in that situation can expect.

Changing gears really feels like giving up, especially considering how long we’ve been on this path.  Part of me is grateful for his honesty and not getting our hopes up for another try that would also end in failure.  Maybe this is just what we needed to finally stop trying and give up on having a baby the “normal” way.  Normal at this point just means I conceive in some way or another and carry to term a biological baby.    Giving up natural conception to IVF was a huge blow.  Now giving up the pregnancy is the next.  Logically we should have gone to adoption years ago.  But Mr. Star didn’t and still doesn’t think we are at that point.  And I had my own struggles with the concept of having a biological mother out there who is “the real mother”.  So we are left with two options both super expensive and both assuming a major loss for me either to my biology or to my role as the carrier.  And it goes without saying that both are giant blows to our bank account (and my ego, what’s left of it that is).

To top it off, after this dismal phone consultation I had a rough rest of the day.  I had an appointment to see a my new counselor for the second appointment but somehow I mixed up the time and arrived 30 minutes too late.  The receptionist told me after I arrived (and drove 25 minutes in rush hour traffic) that she needed to reschedule and that I was late.  I thought I arrived right on time and was more than ready to have a chance to talk about all this stuff going on for me with someone.  Instead I felt like I had the reverse of counseling. I got back in my car totally upset and angry and now having to drive 25 minutes back home in rush hour traffic knowing the whole drive was a waste and it was my fault.  To top it off, they told me that she had to go because “she has to pick up her daughter”.  I barely know this person, but now I already know she is a mom with a young daughter.  I can’t help but think of this the next time we meet.  I really don’t want to know this about my c0unselor.  Seriously!

And finally we had plans for dinner with friends.  They brought their 2-year old with them and I just spontaneously burst into tears.  It was totally awkward and everyone was averting their eyes and trying to change the subject to something funny.  Normally we get together afterwards to hang out, but they didn’t even bring it up.  It was like I was left out to dry with my grief and burned a bridge at the same time.

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5 Responses to “I wish i was a seahorse”

  1. traathy June 2, 2012 at 11:19 am #

    Ugh – you’ve been through the wringer and I’m so sorry you had all of that follow the conversation with your doc.

    I received an interesting text from our birth mom and her sister the other night that I’d love to share with you on email re: “the real mother”. It made me realize how wise young peeps are when they are actually thinking. Re-defined “mom” for me 🙂

    • traathy June 2, 2012 at 11:21 am #

      Ps-I really hope you’ve got a girlfriend around who will sit on a porch with you and drink to the bottom of a wine bottle.

  2. Shelley June 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm #

    I’m so terribly sorry for all you’ve been through and for this news you just received. It seems so unfair that anyone should be born with the desire to procreate but without the means to do so. My thoughts and hopes are with you as you continue to navigate this tough terrain.

  3. Nicole June 2, 2012 at 6:33 pm #

    I’m so sorry. I know I always felt like people where shoving their parenthood in my face so much more after bad news and even when it is something you deep down kind of knew, it is so much worse to hear a doctor say it out loud. Hugs.

  4. mrs. brightside June 12, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

    I think I only replied to this in my mind, but I just wanted reach through the interwebs and give you a big huge hug when I read this. The constant failure and lack of a clear path to success is exhausting and infuriating and just plain hard. I hope you find peace with whatever your next step is, and that it leads you to all you dream for.

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