Good news in week 8, but a mean doctor

1 Nov

We had the first official OB appointment yesterday at 8 1/2 weeks along.  It felt like a huge milestone to graduate from the specialty doctor to be back with normal people. It felt very different than the first time when I was naive and clueless, nervous and excited.  Now jaded and skeptical I viewed the whole thing with a mix of disbelief and hesitation.  I admit I had dreamed of being back again here one day so many times through the years.  Through some stroke of magic we had another scan that showed everything was fine, heartbeat was still going on, baby was growing.  According to the Dr. everything looked fine.  We are thrilled but I can’t help thinking that it is just a matter of time before I am found out and someone kicks us out.  I don’t think there is much of anything you can say to someone after so many losses that convinces them that everything is fine, at least not at this early stage.

The Dr. gave us one of those Preparing for your  Pregnancy type books and suggested a website for tracking your pregnancy and even talked about childbirth training and parenting classes.  Whoa, Nellie!  I am not ready for ANY of that yet!  While it is in my nature to be prepared, I just can’t think past 12 weeks right now.  If through some miracle we make it that far, then maybe I’ll be ready.  It just feels too dangerous right now to get our hopes up.

I hate to complain about anything at this stage as I feel so lucky that things are going well, but our first OB visit, which given the good results should have been a positive experience left me and my husband both feeling terrible. The OB himself was, to our surprise, very cold and impatient.  He wanted us to describe to him our entire medical history with dates again after we handwrote it on 2 different forms and provided the full records from our specialist.  It was clear he didn’t read any of it.  He seemed almost bothered that we had such a complicated history with other doctors and didn’t want to hear what we’d gone through beyond the dates of my D&C’s.  The whole time I felt like he was impatient with us because we asked such specific questions that related to our case and history instead of fitting into some cookie cutter proces he had going for new patients.  Whenever I either asked a question or gave too long of an answer he acted ticked off as if I’d interrupted him.  Even the exam part was akward.  At one point we asked what the heart rate was and he said it was “normal”.  Since we knew it was 160 on Friday, we asked what the exact BPM was and he snapped ans said he didn’t know how to get that from the machine!  After the nurse on Friday and our specialist had given us this info easily, I didn’t think it was a big deal.  He seemed self conscious that he didn’t know how to figure it out, and this guy is the HEAD of the department!  Then later he crouched to reach the print outs for several minutes while still holding the u/s wand in my privates.  I was just bracing for him to stand up or lose his balance and jab me right in the crotch by mistake.  It seems like most people would finish the scan before moving on to the next task.  It was just very unnerving and at best, impolite.  On its own would be one thing, but combined with all his snapping and coldness I just got a really bad feeling from him.  It feels like a real loss as I had high hopes of being able to move forward and take a positive first step.  Instead I am dreading my next exam that involves him.

Maybe it is just naturally weird for an OB to deal with someone with people like us who’ve had a long history of problems.  I get that they want a neat and clean start.  Along this journey I’ve met mostly sensitive and empathic clinicians who get that loss and IF are hard.  Somehow either this guy or OBs in general just can’t translate that experience to their world.


21 Responses to “Good news in week 8, but a mean doctor”

  1. notundecided November 1, 2012 at 1:01 pm #

    I am so glad that you got good news, but I would strongly encourage you to find a new doc/practice that you feel more comfortable with, and who feels more comfortable treating you and your pregnancy as they are, and who can comfortably acknowledge your history and how that impacts your feelings about this pregnancy. You should never have to leave a reassuring appointment feeling terrible due to bedside manner like that! I can’t remember if your pregnancy is considered high-risk at this point, but if not, perhaps consider looking for a midwife + OB practice? I LOVED this midwives I saw, and the OB who headed up the practice was both reassuring and understanding when he both listened to AND read my history. It’s a pain in the ass to search for alternatives and switch practices mid pregnancy (I did, at about 20 weeks), but you CAN, and you should, and you have plenty of time to do so – you’ll really want someone at delivery (I know you don’t want to think about that yet, I didn’t either, so maybe think in terms of how you want your next appointment to feel instead) who is not a jackass like that! You deserve the best care – and they call it that because it’s supposed to feel like the caregiver actually CARES! (Sorry, I’m ranty, but I despise especially hearing that a fellow RPL girl is not being treated with the utmost respect as she embarks on what will hopefully be a successful pregnancy!)

    • starfishkittydreams November 1, 2012 at 3:39 pm #

      Thank you so much. I am sorry you had a bad experience as well. I agree with you. If I feel the same way at our next appointment we are definitely going to change doctors. I admit we chose him partly because he was available 2 weeks earlier than the person we really wanted. Fortunately the odds of having the OB deliver the baby is really slim. This practice rotates so it is whoever is on that day.

      • notundecided November 2, 2012 at 6:20 am #

        I’m sure you made the best decision you could with the information you had available at the time (timing is everything at the beginning, for sure!), so as long as you continue to do so, you’ll be in good shape! No harm in giving him/them one more chance, but just make sure to trust your gut feelings – if he’s still a jerk, he shouldn’t get your business! My first OB wasn’t bad about my loss history, but she was very disparaging of my want for a natural waterbirth (“babies have actually DROWNED, you know.” Technically true, I’m sure, but not something one really needs to worry about when you have experienced professionals attending your birth!). I ended up with perinatal care (due to a low PAPP-A result in the first trimester screen) in addition to OB/midwife care, so it was a great balance with the peri monitoring everything closely, yet the midwives/OB treating it as a perfectly low-risk pregnancy as well. Perhaps scheduling an appointment with your first choice while still keeping your scheduled appointment with the current practice will let you keep all the options open and never have a gap in care. Anyway, looking forward to hearing the next update – hope you’re feeling well. So very happy for you that it’s all looking great so far!

  2. niccki1211 November 1, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

    That is by no means a normal OB. I’ve gone to RE’s and many many OB’s. While their specialty is not getting you pregnant it is their job to keep you pregnant as long as possible and to know the in’s and out’s of the whole process. If he was that put off by your case maybe you should look around for another OB. This is someone you should feel comfortable talking with about every aspect, not have the feeling that if you ask a question your going to be a bother to him. I would look around ask your friends which OB they have used. You can do it without letting on that your pg, just say you need to get your yearly exam and you want someone with a good bedside manner.

    • starfishkittydreams November 1, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

      Thank you. I bet there are better OBs out there. We just got unlucky. We may need to just change doctors to fix the situation.

  3. whitney November 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

    i had a bad ob following a difficult journey to a viable pregnacy and after the second visit i told that guy he should really had became a proctologist because either his lack of uterus and ovaries or his lack of intrest was not going to make us a good team. it took a freakn country toget us here and i wasnt confident that a one man super hero was where i wanted to put all my chips, i started looking for a dr after the first visit when it was less than good so by the time i had fired him we already had aother appt i explained to that dr that i was very anxious many questions more concern than any normal not to ad abnomal mother could have and that scratching my itches was the ony way i felt i was going to get through this, we had a great relationship and i learnt to trust them and our next pregnacy was even better so maybe this just isnt a good match maybe your clinic could help you find somethig a bit more personal our clinic followed our second pregnacy further for us we pd a little more for extra scans etc but it was worth the days with out th scans. either way im so stinking happy for you guys and somehow and i know it is soooo hard some how let yourself enjoy the sucess you have and allow you this miracle.

    • starfishkittydreams November 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

      Thank you so much. Wow! I wish I had your balls to talk to a doctor that way. I am so glad you were able to find someone that worked for you guys. It gives me hope that it’s worth it to try to switch if we can. Take care and thank you for the positive message.

  4. jjiraffe November 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

    I’m so sorry! This sounds like an incompetent doctor. Can you switch to another OBGyn in the practice?

  5. Misfits November 1, 2012 at 5:12 pm #

    Get a new doc. That guy sounds like an asshole and not the person you need. My guy in Philly is an asshole, but the good kind. He put up with TONS and managed to have an opinion that meant something at the end of the day. Find a new practice. Whatever it takes, you’ve gone too far to be left on shaky ground as you navigate this unknown territory.

    PS. I bought the sonoline b and used it once a week at about your point. It was stressful finding a heartbeat, but in those panic moments between ultrasounds, I would use it to bring me back to reality and stop thinking DOOM every single minute.

    • starfishkittydreams November 2, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

      Thank you so much. I just bought the sonoline b! I didn’t realize something like that could work so early.

      Meanwhile, I am seeing what I can do about Dr. Jerk.

      • Misfit Mrs. November 2, 2012 at 7:16 pm #

        I was terrified that I was cooking the little one. Shush was the reason for restraint. You need to promise yourself thatvyou wont freak out when you can’t find the heartbeat, because it is hard to figure out where to look.

        Let me know by email if you want me to ping other mamas on the peninsula for peeps to see.

      • Misfit Mrs. November 2, 2012 at 7:19 pm #

        I never found a great heartbeat until after 12 weeks. I also refused to buy the gel and used aloe vera. Prolly not the best idea.

      • notundecided November 4, 2012 at 7:26 am #

        I had a sonoline b, too, and I think it was around nineish weeks when I first was able to really make it work. I did the same as Misfits and used aloe vera, and it always seemed to work once I figured out where to look – in my case it was way down low, much lower than you’d think to try. Then I switched to arnica gel, actually, since I was getting wicked bruises from all the heparin injections. I hope you get lots of reassurance from it!

  6. missohkay November 1, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

    I’m so glad you’ve graduated but sorry it’s to an asshole. I hope you are able to find someone better. You don’t want to be nervous or hesitant about contacting him when worries inevitably pop up!

  7. Foxy November 1, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

    At our first OB appt I arrived with a FULL page of questions for the OB. She was so kind and patient and spent an hour with us thoughtfully answering every single question. I was so nervous, and she was so reassuring and sensitive to our experience. We all have our reasons for choosing the doctors that we do, and i’m sure that you’ll figure out what kind of practice/OB is right for you.

    I can also totally relate to not wanting to get ahead of yourself by planning too far in advance. I couldn’t begin to think/talk about pre-natal classes, or a shower, or mat leave or any of those details until well after week 20 — and even then I had a difficult time believing that it was all real until about a month after baby cakes was here.

    THIS is your experience, however it feels. Your experience is valid and real. My only advice is to own it for what it is. Let it be what it is, feel how you feel.

    I have been thinking about you constantly. exhaling, and smiling after reading your post. 🙂

    • starfishkittydreams November 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

      Thank you, Foxy! Hugs.

      • Foxy November 21, 2012 at 10:28 pm #

        Happy Turkey Day! Are you traveling this year? You’ve been on my mind a lot and I’m hoping that no news here is good news. xoxo

  8. Kristin (kekis) November 2, 2012 at 6:53 am #

    I’m not one for giving – and especially taking – unsolicited advice but I am sharing anyway. Get another doctor. Now. If that OB behaves like this now, it won’t get any better. You’ve been through too much to get to this point, and you deserve to have a doctor that will make you feel comfortable and joyous in your experience. If you are sharing how uncomfortable the appointment was, then you already know in your gut this is not the doctor for you. Been there, done that and wanted to throw in my two cents.

    SO glad that it’s going well for you. Being a mommy is amazing, and I can’t wait for you to have a little one in your arms to love. Hope you can relax and breathe some relief very soon!

    • starfishkittydreams November 2, 2012 at 6:24 pm #

      Thank you! Everyone’s urging has pushed me to request a different OB. Fingers crossed it works out.

  9. Louisa November 2, 2012 at 11:16 am #

    I also want to say get a new OB, pronto, yeah he proably won’t be the one who delivers the baby but why take that chance! His behavior is inexcusable.

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