Archive | December, 2012

Started spilling the beans

11 Dec

I started spilling the beans a little this past weekend.  It felt really scary at first, but then was like a weight lifted.  I always pictured myself bursting into tears and gushing about all our troubles along the way.  Instead I was able to tell some friends and my brother that we were expecting and they instantly responded with joy and excitement about us becoming parents.  After telling some of our friends I actually had trouble sleeping that night, questioning if we made the right choice, if it was really “safe” yet.  Even though there is no real “safe” time I feel like this is the closest we’ve ever been.

The following morning we went to a brunch party and I was totally set on making the announcement.  There were plenty of quiet pauses in the table conversation to jump in, but I completely froze. I was a stressed mess thinking about if I should or shouldn’t and when and preparing myself for the response.  Mr. Star kept giving me looks like, “say something” and I just shut down like I couldn’t do it.  It just didn’t feel right somehow.  I don’t think we were really ready for that level of attention.  I have to just trust my gut that even though it sounded like a good idea, it just wasn’t the right time.  If things continue they’ll find out eventually one way or another.  Right?

Telling has been a different experience than it was in my fantasies.  I have been able to say we are pregnant and at the same time keep the long process that got us here to myself.  Somehow I worried that I’d have to have a full on conversation revealing the whole deal, all the losses, the IVF, the going to Mexico for LIT, the gluten-free diet and acupuncture.  All the crazy shit I’ve been going through for the last 5 years.  Instead it’s just “we are pregnant and due in June”, end of story.  It’s almost like the other stuff never happened, at least as far as they know.

I find I have one leg still on infertility/pregnancy loss/grief island and the other in this new mainland of baby joy/parent joy.  I go back and further and find myself right on the border.  I feel the draw to join the mainland, but I don’t trust it, like the bridge that takes me there is going to bust at any moment or my passport will be rejected.  It’s too good to be true, so I waver and I think that is what kept me from telling my friends at that brunch event.  I just felt like if I made a big announcement it would all come crashing down.    I am waiting for some official sign that everything is going to be ok and I can relax, but I am not there, and maybe I won’t be until baby Star actually arrives.  For now, I am just going one step at a time, cautiously tip toeing forward, excited at each additional day that goes by taking us closer.

To Tell or Not To Tell

6 Dec

A problem I fantasized about having is finally here.  Who do I tell and when?  Since it took 5 years for us to graduate to the second trimester, I honestly wondered if this day would ever come.  As a result I feel totally out of my element.  Sure, I fantasized tons about the one day I could tell people that we are finally expecting.  Until now I’ve told my close friends and family who have been supporting me through all those years of losses and infertility.  Now I find myself lost in how to communicate this to the rest of the world, like that next level of friends and family. Since I work from home, I have the flexibility to hold it from co-workers until I am ready, or until we have an on site work event where it is going to be physically obvious.

There is a part of me that is perfectly content just keeping this information to myself for as long as I can.  Afterall, I am not showing and we are only 14 weeks in. (Yes, 14 weeks tomorrow!  I still can’t believe it).  I am still superstitious and paranoid about going public, as if a miscarriage will be triggered immediately. I also worry about what questions are going to come out from people who have been kept out of the loop.  How much do I have to explain?  My friends who have supported me all along the way already know that week 14 is a huge deal for us.  The rest of the world, however, is more likely to jump into questions about due dates, genders, names, day care plans and all sorts of things I am not even thinking about yet.  Or even worse, questions about what the hell took us so long.    Hopefully most people will be too shy ask about the second one, even if they are thinking it.  I just don’t know how much I really want to go into that.  Essentially if I wanted people to know our whole story, I would have already had shared it with them by now.

With Christmas coming up there will be a lot of opportunities to spill the beans. However, since I am not showing, and probably won’t for a while (given my long torso)  it is totally optional.  So it’s just a matter of when I want to tell.  I am just not sure if I am ready.  But then again, will I ever be ready?  I know the normal route for folks with healthy pregnancy histories is to tell around 12 weeks, but what about for those of us with a shaky history?  With a history or recurrent loss should you wait longer?   Anyone have suggestions or experience here?