Started spilling the beans

11 Dec

I started spilling the beans a little this past weekend.  It felt really scary at first, but then was like a weight lifted.  I always pictured myself bursting into tears and gushing about all our troubles along the way.  Instead I was able to tell some friends and my brother that we were expecting and they instantly responded with joy and excitement about us becoming parents.  After telling some of our friends I actually had trouble sleeping that night, questioning if we made the right choice, if it was really “safe” yet.  Even though there is no real “safe” time I feel like this is the closest we’ve ever been.

The following morning we went to a brunch party and I was totally set on making the announcement.  There were plenty of quiet pauses in the table conversation to jump in, but I completely froze. I was a stressed mess thinking about if I should or shouldn’t and when and preparing myself for the response.  Mr. Star kept giving me looks like, “say something” and I just shut down like I couldn’t do it.  It just didn’t feel right somehow.  I don’t think we were really ready for that level of attention.  I have to just trust my gut that even though it sounded like a good idea, it just wasn’t the right time.  If things continue they’ll find out eventually one way or another.  Right?

Telling has been a different experience than it was in my fantasies.  I have been able to say we are pregnant and at the same time keep the long process that got us here to myself.  Somehow I worried that I’d have to have a full on conversation revealing the whole deal, all the losses, the IVF, the going to Mexico for LIT, the gluten-free diet and acupuncture.  All the crazy shit I’ve been going through for the last 5 years.  Instead it’s just “we are pregnant and due in June”, end of story.  It’s almost like the other stuff never happened, at least as far as they know.

I find I have one leg still on infertility/pregnancy loss/grief island and the other in this new mainland of baby joy/parent joy.  I go back and further and find myself right on the border.  I feel the draw to join the mainland, but I don’t trust it, like the bridge that takes me there is going to bust at any moment or my passport will be rejected.  It’s too good to be true, so I waver and I think that is what kept me from telling my friends at that brunch event.  I just felt like if I made a big announcement it would all come crashing down.    I am waiting for some official sign that everything is going to be ok and I can relax, but I am not there, and maybe I won’t be until baby Star actually arrives.  For now, I am just going one step at a time, cautiously tip toeing forward, excited at each additional day that goes by taking us closer.


6 Responses to “Started spilling the beans”

  1. Another Dreamer December 11, 2012 at 10:02 pm #

    I could really relate to the paragraph about having one leg in each area and being afraid to cross. It’s scary, and after what you’ve been through it feels uncertain. I don’t think I really grasped that I was taking a baby home until I heard his crying in the hospital- I mean I prepared, I enjoyed myself as well as I could, and made the most of things but I was still terrified he wasn’t going to make it until he did. There are a lot of emotions when it comes to pregnancy after a loss, and making a transition of carrying farther than you ever have before is a lot to process. It’s complicated, and that’s okay. Just tell or don’t tell at your own pace, there really isn’t any right or wrong.

    • starfishkittydreams December 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

      Thank you for understanding. You are so sweet. I know you’ve been there so you know how it feels. Most people just want to jump into talking about maternity clothes and baby showers and then don’t understand my reluctance to get on board.

  2. Amy December 12, 2012 at 6:40 am #

    I can relate to feeling like you’re still on both sides, too. I felt that way for most of my pregnancy, and especially at the time when we started telling. It almost felt disingenuous revealing the pregnancy without giving the back story, and I had a really hard time accepting congratulations. Every time someone inquired how I was doing, I could only answer, “so far so good.” I think it’s good that you trusted your gut – tell when it feels right, but no need to force it if it doesn’t in any given moment. You’re doing great! Still so very happy for you.

    • starfishkittydreams December 12, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

      Thank you for your reply. Yes, I feel disingenuous a bit as well. I haven’t mentioned IVF to everyone or the losses, so they have no idea. That’s a story that may be left untold for now. “So far so good” is my daily mantra.

  3. Louisa December 12, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

    Totally normal to be anxious or paranoid about telling given what you have been through. You’ll know when the time is right (or when people are giving you the stink eye cause they are figuring it out on their own!). This is a good problem to have congrats!!!

    • starfishkittydreams December 12, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

      Thank you! There is a part of me that feels almost guilty complaining about this as a problem. I am so grateful to be even be in a position to tell that to be so torn about it seems odd.

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