Turning the corner- Finally moving to the other side

21 Jan

Last week I finally made it over the hump.  The week began with me completely freaking out about another loss.  It started with my advanced pregnancy scan which was a huge relief in most ways.  The baby looks normal and I am SO thrilled, relieved, overjoyed about that.  However, at the end the maternal fetal medicine specialist mentioned that because of the position of the placenta (low placenta) that we should schedule another ultrasound with her in six weeks.  What triggered my concern was her comment, “I don’t think you need to avoid sexual activity or go on bed rest YET”.  That last word “yet” was the thing that haunted at me.  Even though everything looks totally fine down there, her commend triggered my looming fear that my body would manage to fail yet again.  So the next day when I was having pelvic pains my mind jumped to assuming the worst, like I maybe this means I have incompetent cervix and should be worried now about a second trimester loss.  When I scanned the internet for information it only made me feel worse.  According to Web MD there is a higher risk of incompetent cervix in women who have had medical procedures in that area, including D & C’s.  “Damn!  I’ve had 5 of those!” is what went through my head.  In a fit of worry I gave my health insurance nurse hotline a call and she calmed me down saying it was likely normal ligament pain, suggesting that we abstain and just talk to our OB who we were scheduled to see in a week.

So I stayed on pins and needles all week and felt very tentatively pregnant, even though we made it to the 20 week mark, really looking forward to some more information from the OB.  I will call her now Dr. Awesome as she is the OB I switched to after my awful first experience with Dr. Jerk, the head of the Department.  I’ve actually seen her for two of my previous pregnancies, so we go way back. So far back that I almost didn’t recognize her with her blond hair all turned grey.   I guess she stopped coloring or time has been really rough on her, it’s only been 2-3 years.  When we did finally see her, it was amazing.  I had no idea what a thirty minute consultation could do.  One by one she relieved each of my fears.    I made the mistake of going with Dr. Jerk for our first visit because of his availability (it would have been at least 3 weeks later to see her) and because I thought with his years of experience he’d actually have more to offer.  Clearly, not the case, I think it just gave him a big ego. Thank you to everyone for pushing me to switch!  The clinic made it sound like we were committed to one person but when I begged to switch they were really accommodating in the end.  The only bad thing is since it is all one clinic we’ll likely bump into him again.  Whatever.

So Dr. Awesome totally got her name from this first face-to-face visit in years and our first visit for this pregnancy.  This conversation is  why:

Dr. Awesome: “No, you don’t have an incompetent cervix, it is CONFIRMED on the ultrasound.  The D & C’s DON”T matter”.

Me: Wow! I had no idea you could even confirm this.  What a giant weight lifted!

Dr. Awesome: “Your pains were actually small contractions brought on by sexual activity, namely orgasms and male semen.  It is TOTALLY normal and actually good for you, esp. at the end of pregnancy for relaxing the cervix.  99% of pregnant couples are doing it too, so go for It!”

Me: Really?  It’s a good thing?  Who knew? (Mr. Star smiles).  I guess we don’t need to abstain anymore…

Dr. Awesome: “Also, this is NOT a high risk pregnancy , even with your history of loss and your age”

Me: REALLY?

“Yes, you don’t have asthma or heart problems or diabetes or major obesity or other physical complications.  Seriously, there are high risk pregnancies out there, but this is not one of them”

Me: Wow, that is really, really great news! (disbelief now a giant leap of joy in my brain) 

From there I had no big burning questions left.  With my fears pushed aside the conversation turned and we started talking about birthing classes (apparently you have to sign up now as they fill up early), safe pre-natal exercises, even cord blood donation.  My brain was in overload.  This is happening!  I left that day a different person.   I was pregnant!  I was not just pregnant but actually expecting, a word I had reserved for “real” pregnant people in the past.

That weekend the lights went on and I had the realization, “I am 20 weeks along, this is it, this my pregnancy.  Enjoy the moment now!  Get on board! ”  Now embracing of the pregnancy I poured through the books and pamphlets from the OB office that had been tucked away and even picked up more books on the topic online.  I signed us up for the recommended classes (child birth preparation, infant care, infant CPR, baby safety, etc.).  I even went to my first pre-natal yoga class.  I don’t have much of a bump, but i don’t care anymore, it just feels like the right thing now.  We started brainstorming names we liked, something I hadn’t done since my naive times in my first pregnancy.  Finally we started the task of preparing the house, actually mapping out where a crib would go and starting a list of stuff we need to get.  When I had lunch a few days later with a friend who offered her maternity clothes I eagerly offered to pick them up.  I was ready now!

So this is where I am.  I still embrace my IF identity and even variously listen to the Bitter Infertile podcast regularly.  And I will always be a hard-core RPL-er.  But for now I do feel like I’ve landed on some solid ground and am welcoming this new unknown,  this new start, and (fingers crossed), this new little life!

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9 Responses to “Turning the corner- Finally moving to the other side”

  1. steph50 January 21, 2013 at 12:20 pm #

    Your story bring me soooo much hope. Know that I’m reading religiously and rooting for you all the way from my living room! 🙂

  2. Amy January 21, 2013 at 2:36 pm #

    Woohoo! I am so glad that you got so much reassurance from your doctor! Goes a long way, huh? Enjoy enjoying being pregnant AND expecting!!!

  3. Another Dreamer January 21, 2013 at 5:25 pm #

    Fingers crossed indeed 🙂 I’m glad your OB was able to offer some reassurances!

    • starfishkittydreams January 21, 2013 at 5:30 pm #

      Thank you!

      • Nicole January 21, 2013 at 6:46 pm #

        Yeah! I think there is something about 20 weeks. That was when I started wearing maternity clothes too (and I was sooo much more comfortable once I did that) — and there is something so reassuring about looking pregnant and being able to feel the baby move. Hope the rest of your OB visits go as well!

  4. Misfit January 23, 2013 at 7:15 am #

    Hello, darling. I meant very much to look you up for lunch during my trip to the Mateo. The drama that unfolded in the workplace pushed out every plan in my head, which is super sad, because I very much wanted to see you and give you a huge hug. I love your new doctor. Love. My guy was messy but straightforward and kept me sane. I had really awful round ligament pain from about 5 months to 7 months that just went away weirdly at the end. It freaked me out. I swear to you that the day the little one starts the every day wiggles, you are going to skyrocket in confidence.

    I started wearing maternity clothes around the 20 week mark as well. While it took me until almost 30 weeks to make it into a proper maternity store, I was perusing Macy’s clearance section enough to find cute stuff.

    You are doing really great and I look forward to your posts. All sorts of excitement and squees from your fellow loser in PA!

    • starfishkittydreams January 28, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

      It is so awesome to hear from you! Sad I missed you. Will have to get together next time.

      I can’t wait for the every day wiggles!

  5. Louisa January 23, 2013 at 3:51 pm #

    YEAH!!!! Good for you and welcome to your wonderful normal pregnancy!!! Enjoy!

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