First Birthday Party

My friends held the first birthday party for their first child today.  I dragged my butt there and feared for the worst but managed to dodge and avoid most of the kids and parents and uncomfortable questions by moving around a lot and seeking out the people without kids to mingle with.  As the party progressed the number of parents and children grew and I felt it reach a boiling point for me so I made my escape.  It was the first time I’d seen a lot of my friends in a while and the first time I saw their little ones.  All together like that was WAY too much to process.  At one point one of my friends asked who we are hanging out with these days.  Now that all our friends have kids the honest answer would be noone.  We pretty much stay in and watch a lot of TV.  Hanging out with friends that don’t know the story is exhausting!  I find myself making up crappy excuses for things (even my completely made up reason for leaving the party early) to save them and us the discomfort of having the conversation.  I toyed with just coming clean, but I realize they still wouldn’t really get it.  I couldn’t say, “hey, by the way these events where everyone talks about their children KILL me”!  There’s no way to tell someone WITH kids how much hearing about them and seeing their photos hurt.  So I just hold it in and I am feeling very tired of holding it in. I made it through today, but man, I don’t need any more baby parties again soon!

Game on! Let the funky drug side effects begin ; )

I saw my doc yesterday for my Day 3 ultrasound and she gave us the green light to start up again on a medicated cycle.  It feels SO good to be back in the game and finally off of that time out bench.  Ready for round 5!  Not that I am counting…;  )  With script in hand I got my Femara (letrazole) and took the first two last night.  Grow little follies, grow!

The side effects after just one night have already kicked in.  I forgot how much this affects me.  It was like taking a sleeping pill as I could barely drag myself out of bed this morning after a night of super crazy dreams.  The weird dreams is a side effect I’ve heard from others as well.  It almost felt like I didn’t sleep.

On a totally different note I also started a new class last night: “Improv for fun and life” at Stanford.  What a blast!  For the past few years as a way of coping with life I’ve turned to meditation as a way to release stress and be in the “now”.  I am discovering that Improv games are an excellent way to tap into that as well and a lot more fun and social.  With all eyes on me while being silly I really felt myself get back to a zen, in-the-moment-state, like being a kid, no worries about the past or future- just in the now.  It was the perfect break for my day and I am surprised just how much I enjoyed it.  My days have been SO full, but I am really glad I made time for this.

Hello Cycle Day 1 at last!

It’s about time!  Cycle Day 1 arrived and not a moment too soon.  I think it took almost a full 2 months.  My hcg test from last Friday shows I am still at level 4.  My RE thinks my cycle starting will finally push it back down to 0.  Hallelujah!  I feel like a computer that just takes forever to reboot.

Can’t type much more.  Kitty is stretched across my arm with chin resting right above my wrist.  So happy :  )

Kitty Recovered!

In a miraculous series of events our cat is fighting cancer back again.  He’s regained his strength and even gained a pound in only a week.  We’ve gone from night and day with him and I am SO grateful to see him back his happy self.  He is even eating on his own, which is a relief after watching him almost starve himself down to a bony little guy.  I know it is just a matter of time before we have to revisit the grim reaper again with him as time ticks away, but I am grateful that I can finally rest mentally.  For now, we can just rest and be happy to have him one more day.

After my rather painful experience with the Repeat Loss Expert overloading my brain with pregnancy loss research facts (or lack thereof) I am feeling some optimism again.   She basically confirmed that we’ve turned over all the stones and the only ones left are not proven to have any benefit.  On her advice we’ve gone back and repeated some tests for me.  It sounded overwhelming at the time, but it came down to me just making one more trip to the lab for another poke.  Wow, those guys basically know me there now.  I have a few favorites there and I am starting to go when I know they are scheduled.  I used to dread blood tests and I’ve even fainted on occasion.  Now, I am so used to them that I’ve definitely become less of a wuss when I have to do it.

Mr. Starfish is also getting the level 2 sperm analysis to see if there is any more we can learn about his raw materials.  Finally a test that isn’t just for me!  There is undoubtedly an awkwardness around that one, but he’s a good sport.

The last thing is the hysteroscopy she suggested.  I was dreading this as it would require me to wait even longer to TTC.  Fortunately, my RE thinks that when my cycle starts up, it will naturally cleanse out anything and then the hysteroscopy will no longer be necessary.  Yeah!  Good news!  One less procedure!

Fingers crossed my cycle starts soon!  I am REALLY antsy to get back on the wagon.  I feel like I’ve been sitting on the bench for way too long stewing in my last loss.  That first Green light to TTC again really helps me mentally move forward.

At the same time we have our appt. with the adoption consultant in May.  Very mixed about it, but my hope is that with more knowledge I’ll have less fear about it and be able to form a more confident and informed opinion about if it is a way for us to go.  Mr. Starfish is even less on board, but willing to listen at least.  Now that we have scheduled it we are at least starting to have this important conversation.