Happy Thanksgiving

I am visiting my family in Maine and having so much fun. I LOVE visiting my niece who is now 6 years old and still REALLY cute! Reading her bedtime stories is a real treat! I love being an Aunt. Her enthusiasm and energy is so inspiring! We had such a chill afternoon just playing Rockband 3. I am pretty new to it all but i easily got sucked in. My brother and sister-in-law have all the gadgets including two guitars, microphones, a mic stand, drum kit and the new keyboard. We could have kept playing all day. It was so nice hanging with them all day. I feel like my stress level has finally taken some steps down.

My happy face on my opk finally came up positive on Tuesday, the day before we left to fly out here. It was day 23 of my cycle, about 9 days late. I am not sure if the lateness means he Femara is not working as well this time. I guess the important thing is that i DID ovulate and i got the green light from my doc on the size and the lining thickness back on day 17. We did the babymaking deed and are now in fingers crossed mode. I started on the progesterone which generalaly makes me into a cranky bitch. These tiny little suppositories pack a real punch. I guess it beats injecting it. One less needle. The other thing is it makes my body feel pregnant, the nausea, tender boobs, random cramping, and no period. With the meds i have no clue as to what is going on with my body and i can’t gauge what might mean i am pregnang or not. Just have to do the 2 week wait and peee on a stick again. Last time i got a positive on day 16, 2 days later than normal. So i will probably not trust the initial negatives this time either.

Being here in Maine away from my job and commitments in CA is a wonderful distraction! And to think i had second thoughts about coming. This was just what the doctor called for!

When i return i need to pick up the fight with my insurance to get my acupuncture covered. I had no idea it would be such an ordeal. Until they start paying it feels like a bit of an indulgence and one that so far doesn’t seem to be helping (considering my stress levels and slow ovulation last month). I appreciate the moral support they give, and i love going, but i seriously question how much someone with my situation really benefits. I haven’t seen any studies connecting acupuncture with helping patients with recurrent loss.

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Cycle Day 17 and still waiting (WTF!)

I peed on another test stick again today and still got another circle (ie, no LH spike).  Where is that smiley face?  I am scheduled for another ultrasound today as my RE thought that at least today would be the day.  Being late cannot be  good thing.  Does this mean I am back to 35 day cycles again?  Maybe I am over-analyzing but in my mind ovulating late = no pregnancy that month.

Is there a bright side to IF/pregnancy loss?

Before screaming a resounding “no!” I wanted to just ponder this question.  I grew up encouraged to look on the bright side and make lemonade out of those damn lemons.  For example, after getting laid off I was able to look back and say that the event actually helped me because I ended up finding an even better one.   When our trip to Italy was canceled (due to our second miscarriage) I rescheduled it to something more relaxing and probably more enjoyable than I had planned the first time.  When our noisy dishwasher broke I got the excuse of buying myself one that was newer and quieter than the first.  In other words, when you hit the bumps you move on and find a way to at least tell yourself one thing you’ve gained, and you probably would have missed had you not hit the bump.    In a sense you spin the loss into some sort of gain, even a small one.  That way when you talk to a friend or co-worker about the issue you can end it with the good thing that happened as a result, even if it was a small win.

While I am able to drum up positives about the challenges in my life outside of this, I am stumped on what good there is.  How is going through something like this in ANY way making our lives better?  It just seems all around bad.  It’s not as if I can say, hey, at least this great thing happened as a result.  Instead I find myself just grateful that it is only this bad and not worse as everyone knows of another person with an even worse problem. (And yes, I know there are plenty of worse issues in life than this- like losing living family members, becoming terminally ill, etc.)

Sure, I’ve made the best of a bad situation.  In particular I am grateful for all the amazing people I’ve encountered in groups and online who have been so wonderfully honest and supportive.  I don’t think I’d love you ladies any less though if we met under difference circumstances.

I guess this may be the case for most medical issues.  When tough health issues strike, you become more aware of the fragility of life, grateful for what you have, focus more on the moment and have increased empathy towards those around you suffering with pain, loss, and hopelessness.  Potentially once you conquer this there is the gratitude that goes with it.

I guess it all goes back to the age old question of what am I learning?  What is God trying to teach me?  I read about this in When Bad Things Happen to Good People.  In the end bad things just happen and sometimes there is no good side.

Follicles not quite ready/ Big Bellies everywhere!

I had my 14 day ultrasound today and it looks like my follicles are not quite ready.  I am really disappointed we didn’t have a confident endorsement to start trying like the previous cycle.  We still a few more days.  Considering the stress of this month, I guess I am not surprised.   I asked what would cause it to be smaller and she mentioned that stress could have an impact.  So now I am stressed for having been stressed, the double whammy.  I shouldn’t jump to conclusions, but I am not so optimistic about this month now.  And I kind of blame myself for letting my emotions get the best of me last weekend and hurting our chances.  Despite the talk therapy, acupuncture and massage last week, I think my complete breakdown over the weekend had already taken its toll.

Hoping for the best and trying to be optimistic I went ahead and started peeing on those OTKs in the morning last Friday and we even timed our bedroom activities to coincide with the possible positive for today.  Hopefully we can keep up the momentum.   While it is more romantic that an IUI, I feel like it is more personally demanding to be in the mood at the right time again and again.  In a way, doing it should at least help with the stress reduction.

Yesterday ended up being a harder day again.  It felt like all the super pregnant women were out flashing their bellies in my face.  My neighbor who appeared out of the blue looks like she is about to pop.  Some friends then commented about seeing our classmate who apparently is due any day.  I hid in my house to avoid any potential conversation.  I went to both the farmer’s market and Target yesterday which are both magnets (or so it seemed) for big bellied women.  I started to get a little crazy each time I turned a corner to find another one in front of me.  Being repeatedly confronted and surprised with pregnant women is like my own little haunted house experience.  To calm myself, I avert my eyes and try to refocus on happy thoughts.  To show I am completely crazy I honestly felt embarrassed and ashamed to be near them.  Like they were looking to me to smile approvingly at them – “Congratulations!”.  My shame comes from my inability to reflect the joy they are projecting (or I am automatically assuming they are projecting).    In short pregnant strangers make me really uncomfortable and pregnant friends strike an even more sensitive cord.

Brave accomplishment- shopped at Baby Gap with my pregnant friend!

I think I deserve an award after today.   I finally got together with a friend who I love dearly, but is expecting her second girl in January.  We hadn’t talked since she told me about the pregnancy back in the summer time.  We had bonded earlier this year as she had experienced a miscarriage herself, but she managed to get over it and get pregnant again in what feels to me like record time in comparison to my journey that drags on at snail’s pace.  A week ago I couldn’t have handled it.  Not even close.  But I managed to finally get over my jealousy and break the awkward silence and send her an email last week letting her know that we had another loss and that I missed her friendship.  She replied that she was thinking about me and would understand if I didn’t want to see her in person given the circumstances.  Her sensitive comment really made me want to try and get together and so we met today.  I was proud of how well I handled it all.  I was truly happy for her and put my struggle a bit on hold.  We talked about our situations and it was just nice to be heard and feel connected again.  There were tears again as I described some of what I am going through, but I managed to hold it all together.  At the end she mentioned she needed return something at the shopping center nearby and would like to go with her.  I wanted to spend more time with her so I gave it a shot.  Sure enough I found myself at Baby Gap with her and then next door at Gap Maternity helping her find clothes.  I was actually proud of myself for being able to just be a friend to her and play it cool.  Since I was clearly not shopping for anything for myself and normally walk by those stores bitter at the shoppers inside it was an interesting experience to be there.   She only had a few hours away while her husband was watching their daughter so this was her only chance to shop for herself.  So I just tried to be helpful (since I was obviously not interested in browsing for myself).  I left feeling pretty good, but recognizing that experiences like that are usually a mine field.  Just the other day I almost burst into tears looking at the shop window for Pottery Barn Kids- which is uber cuter with the cribs and pastel plush dolls.

After we parted ways and  I was feeling really good I got an email from another friend letting me know she is also expecting a baby girl in January.  I had no idea she was even pregnant so it caught me by surprise and kind of spoiled my cool momentum.  I am telling myself it’s cool because I have to hold it together tonight but I know it will come crashing down on me soon.   The news just marinated painfully in my stomach for a few hours til I got home.  I replied congratulations, etc. to be nice and also to just stop my mind circling. She was the last one of our circle of friends to get pregnant and it feels like she just got married a few months ago. I was the oldest one in that circle and now really am the last one.  It stings.   Replying congratulations and so happy for you, etc. just helped me let it go a little.   I left off any news about me as she has no idea and it just seemed like telling her in the same communication was wrong.  I just wanted her to have her moment.  It wasn’t my moment to come out of the closet on this stuff.

It was a good day, but making it through felt like an accomplishment, so I just wanted to pat myself on the back a little.  Definitely having at least 1 cocktail with dinner tonight!

From Down to Up

In just a few days my mood has gone from completely down in the dumps to loving life and feeling so grateful and lucky for all we have.  I’d even say I have been enjoying the child-free life.  Last night I even told my husband that I was happy to have the house for just the two of us sometimes.  I feel like I spend so much time unloading all my troubles on this blog I just wanted to recognize that I do have my ups.  I just wish I could switch from down to up a bit more quickly and maybe find a healthier in-between.  The key seems to be avoidance and distraction.  The more good things I have going outside of the TTC world the more I can enjoy the present.  I also have a healthy dose of optimism as I get closer to my ovulation day.  Even if it doesn’t work this month, I think the odds are good that I will get pregnant soon considering how quickly the med worked on my previous cycles.

A few weeks ago I was fearing those photo Christmas cards and now I feel ready to take them and even mail a card back.  I was thinking of sending cards this year for a change that are just normal cards with a positive message to folks letting them know how grateful I am for having them as friends, etc.  It feels really good to be in a giving and grateful mood.   I want to somehow bottle this feeling as I easily get into the bitter/angry mood where I lose sight of the fact that there are other people with problems in the world beyond infertility/miscarriage.  That said, I am grateful to those of you who read my posts and comment even when I filled with negativity.  Those comments really help me feel less alone and crazy and more present and connected.  Thank you guys!

Snap out of it

It is a new week and my brain is back from scary/crazy-land.  I was in a really bad place on Saturday and I don’t know if my brain is just in avoidance or if I am truly feeling ok.  But either way I will take it.  Going to group last night really helped.  First of all it is just great to be in a room where having trouble, real trouble, starting a family is the norm and not the exception.  It just got me out of my isolation of feeling singled out for some deserved punishment.   There are some folks who have really been through the wringer and back.  A few couples were coping with multiple failed rounds of IVF.  Another woman described how endometriosis destroyed both of their fallopian tubes. And worst of all, a couple that had done it all and announced their pregnancy in our last group were just found out to have miscarried.  I think that upset me the most as they were regulars who had been so giving in advice and so positive and encouraging to others and had literally tried it all including going to Mexico for controversial immunology treatments.    That said, someone with PCOS and male factor infertility announced they were pregnant after doing IF, doing acupuncture, going gluten-free,  and doing the controversial immunology treatments as well.

I’ve got my tubes and according to statistics still have a chance to have biological children naturally if we just keep at it, so I need to count my blessings.  Even though I am getting older which scares me, I am not over 40, yet.  I had success with our Femara and timed intercourse last time, so there’s no reason it wouldn’t work again and maybe this time work.  There are a lot of things on our side and I need to remember that.   I am still grateful that my chromosome aren’t criss-crossed permanently which was a serious fear.  It’s funny what you are grateful the more beaten down you get.

I was feeling better yesterday afternoon and even had the nerve to finally reach out to a good friend who is pregnant with her second and due in January.  I finally let her know what was going on with me and my third loss. I hadn’t seen her since she told me she was pregnant with her second. I couldn’t handle it.  When she acknowledged that she understood if I wasn’t comfortable seeing her in person, it just was what I wanted to hear.  It made me want to give it a try as she was a keeper, who clearly understood.   She had a loss trying to get pregnant the second time and we shared that grief together.  I was sad that I was losing her as a friend as I was slipping down this path alone.  Hopefully I can see her before her life is filled with a new baby and I hope I can be a friend, even if it’s a little bit at a distance.

Having another friend call me up to get a mani/pedi also realy perked me up.  It was AMAZING!  They did the parafiin treatment and massage and it was exactly what I needed.  Plus now my hands and toes look great for my presentation today! :  )

Woke up crying

Normally mornings are the best part of the day for me and nightimes (and the middle of the night) is when I have most of my out of control irrational thoughts about my grief and despair.  Last night I went to bed crying had bad dreams and then woke up crying.  Not a good start.  I should be off to a good start now that we are back to trying again.  I had an initial excitement when I got the ok from my doc who saw me on my cycle day 3 and prescribed the Femara.  Somehow it all came crashing down.  Why do I have to try this a fourth time?  Why is this happening?  Two months ago my first baby should have turned 2 years old and next month would be the first birthday of my second baby.  I haven’t hit my due date for my most recent loss.  I just need to get this grief out of me.

I am back on the horse technically, but scared that even if I get pregnant I will miscarry again.  I am too aware of people who have had even more losses than me and I am wondering if that is where I am headed.  For example my acupuncturist has had 7!  I have tremendous respect for her for sticking with it, but I don’t know if I can handle even 1 more at this point.