It’s been quite a week. Today would have been our first ultrasound. I knew it wasn’t going to happen even when we scheduled it. It still hurts to see the appointment come and go. I am officially un-pregnant as my hcg is now under 2. The good news is, that’s the last needle poke for a while.
The next question is why? As usual, we have no explanation. These things tend to be physical, chromosomal, or possibly immunological. Because we did CHG, we already know the two that were implanted were considered chromosomally normal. I was hoping to get some information from the immunology Dr. showing that it was an immune issue. Their tests came back and showed that no, there were no immune causes. We tested during the pregnancy and found that my immune system was responding fine with everything coming back as normal or slightly elevated. So there goes that theory.
My new theory is that my unexplained repeat pregnancy losses all have one thing in common: me. Since I can’t pinpoint any specific cause, not even a specific body part or system that is causing this I am really left to just blame myself- me as a person or my behaviors. Maybe I should have grilled that burger longer… maybe I should have not been weeding so much… Maybe I should have just given up a long time ago and started the adoption process. By blaming myself it is almost easier to accept than to just think the world is a random scary place where unfair unexplained things can happen to anyone at any moment, or in my case, repeatedly happening to the same person again and again. Self-blame naturally leads me to feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment which results in me wanting to just isolate myself from the world and hide. Each time I get the question “how are you?” I force myself to smile and say “great” when I really just want to tell the truth, but I can’t, at least not to most people. Since I can’t tell the truth to most people it just takes so much energy to hide the truth and act happy that I prefer to hide at home alone.
The secret keeping and isolation that comes along with RPL is almost as bad as the RPL. I feel like all my friends just had babies and jumped on a boat and left me abandoned on a deserted island. I can see their happy status updates on Facebook and we see each other at BBQ’s with their little ones, but they seem miles away. I feel like I have only 2 choices : be alone or be with friends and feel awkward. When I stay away from them I feel even more guilty that now I am pushing them away. I am to blame for my own isolation. I am not sure what to do. When we all get together with the kids I am just miserable. I feel like a giant spotlight is on me and my failure to have a baby. Now that all of our friends (even the gay ones) have at least one baby it’s all they want to talk about and I feel totally awkward around them. It’s just embarrassing to be there when they all start talking about being parents. I hate being so lonely, but I hate these awkward social interactions even more. I want so badly to have good news and be able to rejoin my friends, but instead I just feel ashamed and embarrassed that we are still at square one 4 and half years later. Actually it isn’t even square one, it’s more like negative six.
Here is some interesting information about the Hang in There Cat-
The image, of a tiny kitten hanging off a tree branch (or rope in the case above) with the words “Hang In There” has been around since the early 1970s. Many have tried to reproduce the original’s genius, while others, such as The Simpsons, have parodied the motivational poster. In ”The Twisted World of Marge Simpson” Marge sees the poster’s 1968 copyright date and says, “…determined or not, that cat must be long dead. That’s kind of a downer.”
One of the cats from the posters passed away last October, to which singer John Mayer tweeted, “That cat from the “hang in there” poster just died. Makes a man just wanna give up.”