Archive | September, 2010

Bill and Giuliana Rancic open up about miscarriage

30 Sep

After seeing the The View special on infertility in which Bill and Giuliana revealed they were having problems conceiving, I started tuning in to their reality show.  Here was a , glamorous ouple that appeared to have it all- successful careers in entertainment, luxurious lifestyles, super high salaries,  supportive friends and family, and teams of fans.   I appreciated seeing infertility cross paths with Hollywood glamour.  For people who  make life look easy and are the pictures of positivity I was on the edge of my seat to see how they handle this emotionally brutal process.  Seeing how IF hit the “cool” kids made me feel less like a freaky loser.

According the news they did get pregnant but had a miscarriage and they talk about it this Friday on the View.  I will be tuned in!   I am inspired to see them forge ahead and talk about this so openly.  Their ability to remain optimistic brings me hope as well.

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Yellow light, Wait another month

29 Sep

My cycle started on Saturday, so I thought I got a fast pass to start up again despite the test.  I just saw my RE on Monday to talk about starting again now that my cycle had started.  She recommended another round of blood tests the next day to see what changed with my new cycle.  She confirmed that the (hcg) pregnancy test is now negative but my ovary is still producing progesterone.  It likely has left over “corpus luteum” from the pregnancy.  She explained that these cysts are part of a physiological process of pregnancy and will go away on its own if left alone typically within one month. She recommends waiting another cycle before resuming treatment.

Meanwhile my pharmacy just called letting me know my prescription is ready.  I gather it is the letrazole prescription she was planning on calling in.  It is a mixed message.  She says she recommends waiting, but she did at least give me the drugs if I want to be a rebel.  My gut says I should go with her recommendation and I admit it totally brought me down to the waiting place that I dread so much.  I have had so much waiting, I wanted to just be aggressive this round and move ahead.  The last two times I waited too long and actually regret not trying sooner.  The waiting place is the self-pitying helpless place.  I am really curious what the risk is if I don’t wait.  Would something bad happen?  Is my risk of miscarriage even greater?

Thank you to the ladies of ABC’s “The View”!

29 Sep

I watched a Tivo’d episode of The View today and saw that Resolve gave them an award for their coverage of Infertility.  I wish I could have thanked them as well.  The award was well deserved and I was thrilled to see they were recognized for what for me was a really important/validating show.  I’ve watched the show for years and heard them talk about their children (all hosts have at least 1) and seen Elizabeth pregnant twice and heard all the messages specifically addressed to the mothers of young kids that I assume are a big part of their audience.  I felt like an outsider not able to participate/identify with many of the programs for parents.

Not only did they dedicate the whole show to infertility, but the hosts all (except Whoopi) share their own stories.  On the original program, Sherri disclosed her own story of going through IVF and IUI.  And god bless you, Barbara Walters for talking about having 3 miscarriages!  Joy, I normally am a fan of yours, but was a bit miffed when you made offensive jokes and finally cut off Sherri to change the topic to another tangent and ask about why the Octomom didn’t have a reality program.    Thanks to Whoopi for bringing it back in the end at least.

Here is a clip I found of the original episode-

Back to normal, sort of

25 Sep

I had my blood tests yesterday as a follow up to the D & C to confirm things were back to normal.  My  HCG level came back almost zero at 6 mIU/ml.  According to my RE this means that when I get my next period, I would likely be able to start up again with the letrazole and TTC again.   However,  it may take another 3-4 weeks for a normal period since my progesterone level is positive.  She said this means there is a corpora luteal cyst from the pregnancy still secreting progesterone. Yikes!  That sounds strange.  While this is present, my ovary will not “resume activity” and my cycle may be delayed by a few weeks. (ah!  waiting!  how we love to sit tight…)  She says we should call before we start attempting. I admit, I never really stopped.  When we finally got the green light for intercourse I wasn’t about to pull out the birth control.  What are the odds of getting pregnant?  It sounds like I am not really ovulating anyway?

Even though this is my third D & C, each one was with a different doc and they seem to handle these things very differently.  I don’t remember having any cyst issues previously.  Instead they called my mystery parts “products of conception”.

To add a level of complexity I’ve noticed that I’ve been bleeding recently. I thought – hey, maybe I am getting my period early!  Yippee, I don’t have to wait as long!    I’ve also been feeling tired no matter how much sleep I get and had the ol’ sensitive boob situation again.  This cyst may be the culprit.

Hopefully I can sort all this out with a call to my doc.   Alas, it is Saturday afternoon, so need to put these questions on hold til Monday.

Mini milestone- back to teaching

20 Sep

I taught my first high impact aerobics class since I first got pregnant tonight.  It was great to see everyone. I was nervous about what I would say when they asked about where I went.  It was a valid question.  My bad answer was that it was complicated- travel and medical issues.  When you say medical people give you the look of worry and ask if you are ok.  I don’t want people to worry, so it may not have been the best answer.  Two folks who talked to me after class asked how I was doing and where I was and I told them a little more of the truth.  I mentioned we were trying to start a family and their faces just beemed.  “I knew it!” one person said.  From there they were interested in just encouraging me to keep coming to class.  They looked so excited I didn’t explain that the emphasis was on the “trying” and that I’d already lost it.  They were more interested in my new low impact moves and then we walked out the door.  I admit, I didn’t want to bring the bad news, so I just let it go.  If it comes up again I can either tell them, or they can figure it out as I won’t be pregnant.  I did miss the class though and it was great to do some real exercise for a change.  I needed it!  Despite my intentions to get into great shape during my “time off” from TTC, I’ve been extremely lazy and worked out even less than usual.  I swear if I didn’t teach my 2 classes/week I wouldn’t go to the gym at all.  Here’s hoping I can get in at least one more workout this week (maybe 2!)

Happy for friend, but damn that stings!

20 Sep

Just when I was feeling more accepting of the whole childless status I get an email reply from a friend who is now pregnant with her second and thrilled.  We bonded when she experienced a miscarriage when she was trying for her second.  I am really really happy for her.  I know she went through a tough time with her miscarriage and must be so happy to be so far along.  She even knows it’s a girl (23 weeks).  While I know she’s totally deserving, I find myself thinking- hey, what about me!   There is no comparison in our situations. For her to feel like me she would need to subtract her 1 living child, multiple her miscarriages by three and stretch the whole thing out.  Having a miscarriage or multiple with no living children really makes you wonder if it will ever work out.  Since most repeat miscarriages are unexplained I have little confidence going forward that anything will change.  However, I manage to blame myself- why did we wait?  Now I am 37.  We started when I was 34.  Things will only get more difficult as I get older.

This month we are not TTC.  I have to wait for my cycle to start up again in a few weeks.  This week I go in for an hcg test to confirm my levels have dropped and my body has stopped thinking it’s pregnant.  Next month we are back on the horse again.  I think there is a good chance we can have more repeats and get pregnant again- but my confidence in keeping a pregnancy to term is just completely shot.  I know it’s just blindly rolling the dice at this point.

Of course I can’t say any of my feelings to her (or anyone else, except for this blog).  I’ve decided to just plead the fifth and just say Congratulations.

Drinking, Facebook and Christmas Cards

19 Sep

I went to bed last night very drunk after attending a very fun party in the city with friends.  It was pretty awesome to get to join in on the party after being so careful while I was pregnant or TTC. That’s probably the last big event like that for a while.  It was fun getting dressed up and joining in for a bit.

Yesterday and today I’ve been spending a lot of time on Facebook.  After months of complaining that it was full of fertiles and their constant kid pic uploads I decided to just  browse around and write nice comments and click “Like”.  I think having this blog actually helped me get back into it.  For a while I was bitter that I couldn’t post what was really going on with me on Facebook and was jealous of other folks who had less taboo issues they could share and get support for.    For me Facebook was more like Envybook where I would see photos- esp. of people with kids and families and it felt like a punch in the face and it would ruin my whole day.  This year all those first day of school status messages started killing me too.  Whenever my husband caught me looking at it, he would say “oh no” sensing the inevitable moaning and complaining that would follow about how unfair life is, etc.

Now that I’ve joined in this blog community I feel less marginalized and cast out (totally self-inflicted emotions, I know).   It’s just healthy for me to see other people’s lives as interesting and complicated and to be supportive.   We’ll see how long I can keep it up.  For now it feels good, so I will try to be more active there.   I know these past few years, ever since this all started I’ve spent too much time isolated and full of self pity.  I am grateful for my friends who’ve stuck with me as I haven’t always been the most receptive or available often cutting myself off and not answering messages.  I recognize that my ability to be available for others and to handle their baby/family news varies every day- sometimes throughout the day.

The true challenge is handling the photo Christmas cards.  I know, I know.  Those are months away, but my gut is already wrenching thinking about it.  While I love people’s children in person, the photos just send me over the edge as if they are saying- “Look at us!  We have a family and YOU DON’T!”.  I know they mean well, but I struggle with those.