Game Over

Our third ultrasound showed more growth but a slower heartbeat (less than 90).  So even though it’s still alive in there, my RE expects it is not going to make it and recommended we call it, rather than do another wait and see.  I scheduled the D& C.  Her next available time for a  D&C is next Wednesday, almost a whole week out.  I was hoping we could do something sooner, but I am coming up on a long weekend and that’s just the way it is.

This time we are doing slightly different testing afterwards.  It is actually PGD testing, the same thing many people do at the front end when they are choosing an embryo to implant for IVF.  The hope is that it can provide more information and the odds are better that the test can identify the difference between my cells and the pregnancy cells (unlike last time when my cells dominated).

I know I was optimistic about doing next steps, but now I am just thinking that babies aren’t coming out of my body or from my eggs.  I have little hope in either.  It would be nice to have some confirmation of something working, but at this point all I know is that my body doesn’t want to carry past 8 weeks.  I was excited to try IVF, but there’s a part of me that feels like it’s a giant waste because it requires my eggs and uterus to play a role and they seem to just fuck up everything.  We are definitely completely giving up the old school bedroom trying.  That just seems like a recipe for more disappointment.   For now I think I am going to just fantasize about storks.  Maybe I have better luck with those.